2009
12.31

Happy New Year: Please Drink & Fuck Responsibly!

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So, it’s New Year’s Eve and you guys are about to start drinking and having unprotected anal sex with anyone in a pointy party hat. I’d just like to remind you to please practice safe sodomy and stay the fuck out of my lane on the freeways tonight. Remember … bad things happen when you’re having fun.

Of course, killing your own blood or wiping out a family of five on the highway is cake when compared to catching crotch-rot from some floozy and/or man-whore. Keep the following PSA in mind when gang-banging with strangers this evening:

Happy New Year!

2009
12.31

BUY: JENNIFER’S BODY

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Jennifer’s Body collapsed at the box office this fall, earning only $16 million and a slew of bad reviews for its star Megan Fox and Oscar-winning writer Diablo Cody (Juno). Fox Home Entertainment has just released an unrated version of the teen horror-comedy on DVD and Blu-ray disc.

Jennifer’s Body stars Megan Fox as a high school heartbreaker turned man-eater after a fateful encounter with a band of satanists. Amanda Seyfried plays her best friend and foil.

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Audio commentary from Cody and director Karyn Kusama (Aeon Flux) is featured on both DVD and Blu-ray editions. However, as is the trend now, the BD is loaded with bonus material, including cast video diaries, gag reels, deleted scenes, featurettes, and the wickedly funny Megan Fox “Peer Pressure” PSA.

I still don’t understand why you guys didn’t catch Jennifer’s Body at the theater and I’m baffled by the backlash that has befallen Fox and Cody since the film’s release.

While Fox has yet to prove her dramatic chops, she has time and again displayed an uncanny knack for humor in comedies such as Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and How to Lose Friends & Alienate People and the ABC sitcom “Hope & Faith.”

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Her funniest bits, however, seem to always play out in the press. And, maybe, that’s the problem. People think she’s weird and bitchy. Of course, those people tend to have vaginas and harbor an unnatural hatred towards prettier girls with magically warm and inviting vaginas that cradle both the soul and penis in a nurturing embrace not felt since our exodus from the womb.

But, what in the world could have kept men away from Jennifer’s Body? Maybe they just wanted to see Fox naked or jumping around with a minimal amount of dialogue. Well, amigos, Cody doesn’t work that way. Jennifer’s script is chockful of pop references, quotable quips, and salty situations. The former stripper-turned-Hollywood-screenwriter is a formidable talent on par with Quentin Tarrantino and ironic-teen wordsmith Kevin Williamson (Scream, “The Vampire Dairies”). Believe it or not, this is a good thing.

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I too crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow when the film was released in theaters with a PG-13 rating. But, to my surprise, Jennifer’s Body presented plenty of quality kills, fucked-up laughs, and stupidly-hot Fox action (including a stroke-worthy kiss between Fox and Seyfried).

The Unrated version, sadly, remains free of Fox nudity. But, seriously, guys … a panty-clad Fox still trumps all the naked chicks in Sorority Row.

BUY: 9

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Critics may have preferred the goth-chick-flick Coraline, but director Shane Acker’s post-apocalyptic animated-actioner 9 is cinematic cocaine for the eyes. Every frame pops with color and detailed ambiance. The characters are rich with quirk and soul. The mechanical abominations that threaten their lives are fiercely frightening and visually unsettling (in a very cool way).

The plot is straight out of Terminator: humanity has been destroyed by technology. A man of science and faith, however, manages to create and animate 9 dolls with a mysterious talisman to carry on in a future where humans are extinct. Voices are provided by Elijah Wood, Jennifer Connelly, Martin Landau, Christopher Plummer, Crispen Glover, and John C. Reilly.

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DVD/Blu-ray extras include the original short the film was based on, audio commentary with Acker and animation director Joe Kasander, and making-of featurettes.

RENT: PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

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Unless you’re one of the folks who registered to have their name included on the Paranormal Activity DVD, there is no reason to ever see this movie more than once. The sleeper hit of the year was produced for a reported $15,000 and went on to earn over a $100 million at the box office thanks to an ingenious online promotional campaign that suckered mainstream audiences into believing that the Paramount Pictures’ release was the most frightening movie ever lensed. It’s not.

The film’s docu-styled presentation is a neat hook reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project and its cast, namely newcomers Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston, are completely believable and charming in their roles, but the film adds up to an hour of relentless jaw-jabbering and shaky cam action. The spooky stuff is about 20 minutes worth of footage spread out during the film’s 86 minute run.

Both DVD and Blu-ray disc include the film’s original ending. A digital copy comes along with the BD.

RENT: PERFECT GETAWAY

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Been here, done that. There isn’t much new ground covered in writer/director David Twohy’s (The Arrival) survival-thriller A Perfect Getaway. Horror enthusiasts will see the twist coming long before the characters do. That said, Getaway is pure fun, thanks in part to its stellar cast and exotic local.

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The story is set in Hawaii and revolves around three vacationing couples caught up in a murder spree. Super sexy Milla Jovovich is at her ass-kicking best and Timothy Olyphant pulls out the stops as a menacing, but charming, outdoors man. “Lost” fans will recognize Kiele Sanchez  as Olyphant’s rough-and-tumble wife. But, its Steve Zahn who steals the show as Jovovich’s on-edge husband.

A Perfect Getaway

Extras are slim on both DVD and BD. Both home editions include trailers and an Unrated Director’s Cut which doesn’t add up to any extra Jovovich or Sanchez nudity—just a minute of extra filler.

2009
12.31

Naked ‘Star Trek’ Freaks On Bikes!

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I don’t really understand what cycling and Star Trek have to do with one another, but then again I am a Star Wars fan. Regardless, I figure the boobs on display will help Trekkie boners live long and prosper. As for you ladies, well …  it appears that these dude’s klingons are smaller than a womp rat’s cock.

Breasts: The Final Frontier for Male Trekkies

Breasts: The Final Frontier for Male Trekkies