Sometimes, when I can’t find a good horror flick to watch, I like to freak myself out with some reality TV—no not “Jersey Shore” or anything like that. I’m talking about some truly gruesome and frightening stuff: animal attacks. Watching people getting eaten alive is pretty damn horrifying.

Now, aside from the spectacle of it all, I never gave much thought to what was really happening in those encounters until I discovered Animals Hate Us, a blog set up to document the hate crimes committed against humans by animals. Ranger John has got some pretty interesting (and terrifying) theories on animal behavior. Basically, he believes animals hate us and want to kill us.

Gotta say, he’s made a believer out of me with clips such as the one featuring a guy who has had his arm ripped off and eaten by a tiger:

The site is also good for a couple of laughs, especially when animals get horny with folks and/or themselves.  Take a look:

So, whether you’re looking to crack up at someone’s misfortune or out to scare the shit out of yourself, check out AnimalsHateUs.com. Tell Ranger John Eddie sent ya!

Director Rick Jacobson’s (“Spartacus: Blood and Sand”) bad-girl-actioner Bitch Slap kicks off its limited theatrical run today. Inspired by the sexploitation flicks of the ’60s and ’70s, the groovy feature centers on a band of sexy hellraisers determined to score some serious dough or die trying.

Bitch Slap leads Erin Cummings, America Olivo, and Julia Voth have been working their tight little tushes off to promote the film. You can see some of their efforts here, here, and here. But, there are plenty of other hot babes cast in the film. Meet “Asian vagina” Kinki (Minae Noji):

President Barack Obama’s approval ratings will surely continue to drop if his State of the Union address is aired on Feb. 2—the same night that ABC’s “Lost” is set to premiere its sixth and final season. The White House is said to be deliberating between airing the President’s speech on Jan. 26 or Feb. 2. An official announcement is expected soon.

The State of the Union address is normally given in January, but the President may be postponing his speech to give democrats in Congress more time to work on their  health care bill. ABC has not commented on whether it would move the premiere, which it has been promoting relentlessly since November.

The country’s broke. Our kids are retarded. We’re all gonna die from the swine flu. That’s pretty much where we stand as a nation. The only thing I need to know on Feb. 2 is what happened to Juliette, Sawyer, Jack, and Kate at the Swan station.

Let’s hope for the best. In the meantime, enjoy Hurley in the following Mr. Cluck’s commercial:

Depressing news from director Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan camp. The supernatural thriller, which showcases a sex scene between stars Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, will utilize body doubles for the actresses. Portman, who showed off her lady lumps in the Wes Anderson short film Hotel Chevalier, is blaming porn sites and horny movie reviewers for her decision to forgo nudity.

Portman tells UK Elle magazine:

I’m definitely not a prude about sex or nudity, I just don’t want do something that will end up as a screen grab on a porn site so meanwhile I’m doing halfsies – I’m like, ‘I’ll show my butt but not my boobs.

It really depressed me that half of every review on the film [Hotel Chevalier] was about the nudity. It made me think I shouldn’t have done it. My issue is that I feel it takes something away from what you’re doing when the focus is put on the wrong thing. My picture ended up on porn sites, and that’s the dilemma.

Anyone who begins a sentence with “I’m definitely not a prude” is always a prude. Well, let’s just hope Kristina Anapau picks up Portman’s nudity slack. If not, then you can scratch this flick off your movie-watching agenda and use that money to buy a month’s membership to some hot interracial porn site.

With the end of 2009 came a slew of top movie lists by critics and bloggers. But, how did horror fare at the box office in ‘09? What did ticket-buying audiences watch?   The following is a list of 2009’s Top 15 Horror Earners at the box office (data courtesy of Box Office Mojo). I’ve also included a one sentence Buy, Rent, or Bury review.

1. The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Budget: $50 million

Domestic Gross: $288,798,541

Worldwide Gross: $683,098,541

Eddie Says: Bury. Vampires should not look like gay Abercrombie models.

2. Paranormal Activity

Budget: $15,000

Domestic Gross: $107,870,499

Worldwide Gross: n/a

Eddie Says: Rent. 20 minutes of creepy footage; an hour of nausea.

3. Zombieland

Budget: $23.6 million

Domestic Gross: $75,590,286

Worldwide Gross: $93,246,518

Eddie Says: Buy. Michael Cera wannabe Jesse Eisenberg is annoying, but Woody and a fun script make this golden.

4. The Final Destination

Budget: $40 million

Domestic Gross: $66,477,700

Worldwide Gross: $152,613,997

Eddie Says: Rent. Skip the 3D. It’s poorly executed. But, the film is still a good time, especially if you’re hopped up on booze or something!

5. Friday the 13th (2009)

Budget: $19 million

Domestic Gross: $65,002,019

Worldwide Gross: $91,379,051

Eddie Says: Rent. Jason looks awesomely intimidating, but the kills lack the creativity normally found in the series.

6. The Haunting in Connecticut

Budget: Unknown

Domestic Gross: $55,389,516

Worldwide Gross: $76,768,900

Eddie Says: Buy. Very creepy, underrated ghost film.

7. My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Budget: $15 million

Domestic Gross: $51,545,952

Worldwide Gross: $99,974,001

Eddie Says: Buy. Outrageous kills. Frivolous nudity. What’s not to love?

8. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Budget: $35 million

Domestic Gross: $45,802,315

Worldwide Gross: $91,085,163

Eddie Says: Rent. Solid prequel and Rhona Mitra is hot.

9. The Unborn (2009)

Budget: $16 million

Domestic Gross: $42,670,410

Worldwide Gross: $76,513,691

Eddie Says: Buy. Critics panned it, but fuck them in the neck. This is a fun ride. Very creepy images. Gorgeous heroine. Best viewed home alone in the dark.

10. Drag Me to Hell

Budget: $30 million

Domestic Gross: $42,100,625

Worldwide Gross: $86,117,189

Eddie Says: Buy. Sam Raimi doesn’t miss a beat in his return to horror. Violent, gory, and funny—this is everything you want from the Evil Dead director.

11. Orphan

Budget: Unknown

Domestic Gross: $41,596,251

Worldwide Gross: $53,243,687

Eddie Says: Rent. Predictable, but the orphan girl sure is creepy.

12. Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2

Budget: $15 million

Domestic Gross: $33,392,973

Worldwide Gross: $37,665,801

Eddie Says: Bury. Rob’s fascination with all things white trash continues to desecrate John Carpenter’s Halloween. It’s a shame because he does have an eye for nightmarish imagery and a knack for shooting violence.

13. The Last House on the Left (2009)

Budget: Unknown

Domestic Gross: $32,752,215

Worldwide Gross: $44,388,363

Eddie Says: Buy. Brutally and relentlessly violent. Far superior to Wes Craven’s beloved original (which really sucks donkey balls). Better acting. Tighter script. Just ignore the microwave scene.

14. The Stepfather (2009)

Budget: $20 million

Domestic Gross: $29,062,561

Worldwide Gross: n/a

Eddie Says: Rent. I didn’t see this remake, but I’ll rent it off the strength of the original.

15. The Uninvited

Budget: Unknown

Domestic Gross: $28,596,818

Worldwide Gross: $40,659,634

Eddie Says: Bury. Cute girls, but this is PG-13 horror aimed at tweens. Skip.

Want more lists? Then check out the Ten Hottest Horror/Sci-fi Babes of the Past Decade and 15 Vampire Movies That Won’t Make You Gay.

“Lost” executive producers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof  want fans to know that the upcoming sixth and final season of the Emmy award-winning show will be gratifying and “cliffhanger-free,” with the focus set firmly on resolving character arcs.

Lindelof tells The Hollywood Reporter:

It really boils down to: Is it satisfying? Have you given the audience an emotional ride that makes them feel they’re satisfied, that’s a good meal? The only question that’s ever mattered to us is what is going to happen to these people. What is the character resolution? That the audience feels like the characters had an arc — a beginning, middle and end. And I’m satisfied with that. All the crazy island mythology stuff, we love it, but it’s like terrorists attacking Jack Bauer — it’s stuff that happens in order to tell cool character stories.

Cuse adds:

Tonally it’s most similar to the first season of the show. We’re employing a different narrative device, which we feel is creating some emotional and heartfelt stories, and we want the audience to have a chance in the final season to remember the entire history of the show. So we have actors coming back like Dominic [Monaghan] and Ian [Sommerhalder]. We’re hoping to achieve a circularity of the entire journey so the ending is reminiscent of the beginning.

On whether there will be any “Lost” projects in the future, Cuse says:

The Walt Disney Co. owns “Lost.” It’s a franchise that’s conservatively worth billions of dollars. It’s hard to imagine “Lost” will rest on the shelves and nothing will ever be made with “Lost.” Eventually somebody will make something under the moniker of “Lost” — whether we do it or not. We just made a commitment to this group of characters whose stories are coming to a conclusion this May.

Lindelof echoes Cuse’s sentiment, stating that:

Sometimes the franchise transcends the storyteller. The definitive edition of “Lost” ends this May on ABC, and that is the story that we have to tell. It has a beginning, middle and end. That ending will not have cliffhangers, or be set up in such a way that people will be saying, “Clearly they’re going to make more of these.” We don’t have any connection to another TV series or movie, but there’s a new “A-Team” movie coming out, for god’s sake. This is a business that thrives on known commodities. “Tron” is the most buzzed-about Disney movie for next year, and it has been gathering dust for 20 years. I cannot imagine there will not be something with “Lost” on it involving smoke monsters and polar bears and time travel.

Personally, I would love to see a spinoff based on the DHARMA Initiative. There is just so much to that part of the “Lost” mythos that needs to be explored.

“Lost” begins its final season on Feb. 2. To see new posters and a series recap, click here.