If you felt your Jujubes tighten and your Hebrew National swell while watching French actress Delphine Chanéac portrayal of a half-human/half-bird-like-creature in director Vincenzo Natali’s controversial sci-fi frightener Splice, you’re probably wondering what the hell is wrong with you.

Relax. You’re not alone.

The following is a list of Clatto’s 11 sexiest maneaters. Bon appetite!

11. GINGER FITZGERALD (KATHARINE ISABELLE/ GINGER SNAPS, 2000)

Teen misfit sisters Ginger and Brigitte Fitzgerald enjoy fantasizing about leaving their small Canadian suburb via suicide pact, a promise they made to each other when they were eight-years-old. Ginger, the hot one of he two, is especially eager to get to the Hot Topic in the sky. That, however, changes when she’s dragged into the woods by the Beast of Baily Downs, a werewolf-creature responsible for the mutilated deaths of the townsfolk’s dogs.

Ginger is rescued by her sister Brigitte, but her body soon succumbs to the lycanthrope’s bites. She grows hair in odd places, sprouts a tail, and develops a hunger for flesh that is only rivaled by her animalistic sex drive.

Actress Katharine Isabelle scored the role of Ginger Fitzgerald in 2000 at the age of 19. She revisited the character three years later in the sequel Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed and the prequel Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (both shot back-to-back). Isabelle has also starred in Freddy Vs. Jason, Chris Nolan’s Insomnia, Uwe Boll’s Rampage, and the 1998 Katie Holmes’ vehicle Disturbing Behavior.

Sadly, she is notorious for turning down nude scenes and has been quoted as saying:

Everyone wants you naked. I think I’ve done one or two movies in the past six years where they haven’t tried something slimey to get me naked.

That kind of selfish attitude will only land you at #11 on our countdown, sister.

10. DAWN O’KEEFE (JESS WEIXLER/ TEETH, 2007)

While fighting off a date-rapist, pretty teen virgin Dawn O’Keefe unexpectedly castrates her assailant’s penis with her vagina.

Horrified and confused, she seeks out a doctor to diagnose what she suspects could be a Vagina Dentata (toothed vagina). The doc confirms her fears when he attempts to finger-bang Dawn under the guise of an exam and ends up losing the digits on his right hand.

Dawn goes on to learn that her ravenous vagina can be muzzled by love when she goes to bed with her friend Ryan. Unfortunately for Ryan’s cock, Dawn discovers that screwing her had been part of a wager between Ryan and his buddy, and he is soon parted from the BFF in his pants.

As Dawn’s pussy-control grows stronger, she plots revenge on her sleazy stepbrother after learning that he was part of the reason their mother died.

The role won actress Jess Weixler the Special Jury Prize for Dramatic Performance at the 2007 Sundance Film Festival. The 28-year-old has regrettably failed to score another part  as outrageous and memorable as Dawn O’Keefe, but her performance will forever remind guys to just keep asking for the butt (ain’t no such thing as an Anus Dentata).

9. DREN (DELPHINE CHANEAC/ SPLICE, 2010)

Test-tube babe Dren was created in a lab by geneticists Clive Nicoli and Elsa Kast after successfully splicing human and animal DNA together in a secret—and highly illegal—experiment.

Dren grows at an accelerated rate physically, mentally, and emotionally. She soon feels an attraction to “father” Clive and resentment towards her “mother” Elsa, setting the stage for a twisted morality play that would give Freud a boner for days.

But, back to the maneating. Though we don’t see Dren devour anyone in the film, she is a carnivore. And, considering what happens to her in the film, I’m pretty confident some peeps are gonna be grub later on (if any sequels are made).

Despite Dren’s bald head, freakish bird feet, retractable wings, and long tail (hey, at least she ain’t fat), she is oddly attractive. A big reason for that is, of course, is the casting of beautiful French actress Delphine Chanéac in the role. Splice is the 31-year-old’s U.S. feature film debut.

To see an interview with Chanéac about playing Dren, go here.

8. SARLACC PIT (RETURN OF THE JEDI, 1983)

It’s a big vagina, right?

It gobbled up Boba Fett and almost ate Lando Calrissian?

7. JULIE WALKER (MELINDA CLARKE/ RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, 1993)

When kinky redhead Julie Walker gives her boyfriend Curt Reynolds a reach-around while barreling down a highway on his motorcycle, the duo end up getting into an accident that leaves Julie dead.

Desperate and heartbroken, Curt sets out to revive Julie with the same Trioxin gas used by his father Col. John Reynolds to reanimate corpses in top-secret military experiments. He’s successful, but soon discovers that Julie is no longer as interested in giving head as she is in eating brains, a condition that causes her great grief.

Julie, however, soon learns that she can fight off her hunger pangs with physical pain, a fortuitous little trick that allows her to not eat her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the couple doesn’t get much time to rekindle their love affair as they are being chased by military officials and the homies of a hispanic gangbanger whose head Julie ate out like a taco salad.

Played in 1993 by a then 24-year-old Melinda Clarke, Julie Walker is arguably the hottest living-dead girl in the zombie genre. Sadly, Clarke swore off horror soon after Return of the Living Dead 3 wrapped (reportedly over it being a bad experience to make), even turning down a part in Wes Craven’s original Scream.

Clarke, who played milf Julie Cooper on the Fox prime time soap “The O.C.”  from 2003-to-2007, was cast earlier this year as Kelly Donovan in the CW’s hugely successful “Vampire Diaries.” My penis is thrilled to see the 41-year-old stunner back among the living-dead.

6. GRENDEL’S MOTHER (ANGELINA JOLIE/ BEOWULF, 2007)

After her son Grendel is killed by legendary warrior Beowulf at King Hrothgar’s request, Grendel’s Mother takes revenge on the king and the remaining survivors—leaving all but Beowulf and his mate Wiglaf dead in her wake.

Enraged, Beowulf follows Grendel’s Mother back to her cave with the intent of putting her down, but is instead seduced by her nude beauty and promises of power. The scene is a departure from the epic Anglo-Saxon poem, but provides the sexiest animated images this side of Bug Bunny in a wig.

In the poem, Grendel’s Mother is described as maneating ogre and is slain by Beowulf with an ancient and magical sword. But, in this film, as portrayed by Angelina Jolie, she is a busty, high-heeled, reptilian-like siren who easily convinces Beowulf to impregnate her with a new son.

5. JESSICA HAMBY (DEBORAH ANN WOLL/ “TRUE BLOOD,” 2008)

She’ll eat your mama.

Born to a devout Christian family in Louisiana, rebellious 17-year-old spitfire Jessica Hamby is hungry for excitement. After sneaking off to Fangtasia (a bloodsucker bar) one fateful night, she is abducted to be made a vampire by Bill Compton as reparation for his murder of another vamp.

Hamby is scared shitless and pleads for her life to no avail. When she returns from the dead, she is vampire and her fears subside as she becomes aware of her supernatural powers and gets a taste of freedom for the first time.

Her impetuous nature and blood-lust make it difficult for Compton to control her. Her fang-banger boyfriend appears to have more success reigning her in up until she attacks his mother for being mean.

Sexy 25-year-old actress Deborah Ann Woll describes the character as “a child with a gun.” She tells the Toronto Sun:

To give that much power to someone so young and inexperienced — and particularly this girl, who was sheltered and abused for so long — it’s a truly dangerous prospect.

Woll, a self-described horror fan, will soon be seen opposite Josh Lucas and Terrence Howard in the New Orleans based ghost story Little Murder and in director Darren Lynn Bousman’s (Saw 3) upcoming psycho-family thriller Mother’s Day.

4. SIL (NATASHA HENSTRIDGE/ SPECIES, 1995)

A group of scientists following DNA splicing instructions given to them by an extraterrestrial species create a female alien/human hybrid named SIL.

SIL matures at an accelerated rate and becomes a danger to the scientists. They try to kill her, but she escapes from their facility and navigates her way to Los Angeles in search of a suitable mate to impregnate her. Those who don’t fit the bill, are slaughtered (seems reasonable).

(The guy’s reaction to the “I want a baby” announcement is pretty authentic … alien chick or not)

Canadian model-turned-actress Natasha Henstridge made her very naked debut with Species. She reprised the role in 1998’s Species II and briefly in 2004’s Species III.

Henstridge went on to headline the laughably bad sci-fi actioner Adrenaline: Fear the Rush and John Carpenter’s forgettable Ghosts of Mars. Species remains her biggest movie to date, having reportedly turned down the female lead in Men in Black and the role of Jill Valentine in Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

3. JENNIFER CHECK (MEGAN FOX/JENNIFER’S BODY, 2009)

Popular high-schooler Jennifer Check is left for dead in the woods after being sacrificed to Satan in exchange for stardom by emo-rockers Low Shoulder. Jennifer doesn’t die, but is instead possessed by a powerful demon.

As Jennifer’s body begins to rot, she must feed on fresh meat to revitalize her appearance and disposition. She chooses to dine on boys, but makes a fatal mistake when she sets her eyes on her best friend’s beau.

Though Jennifer’s Body lacked legs at the box office, the film was an excellent showcase for Megan Fox’s comedic talents and jaw-dropping hotness.

2. SATANICO PANDEMONIUM (SALMA HAYEK/ FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, 1996)

“Bow your head, kneel, and worship at the feet of Satanico Pandemonium.”

So commands bartender/club MC Razor Charlie as he introduces vampire-queen and Titty Twister feature dancer Satanico Pandemonium to the doomed patrons in attendance. After arguably performing the most boner-inducing table-dance in movie history (complete with six-foot-long albino Burmese python, kinky foot-play, and music by Tito & Tarantula), Satanico sets off a brutal feeding frenzy when she pounces on fugitive Richie Gecko.

Though she’s on screen for less than 10-minutes, Salma Hayek steals the movie with nothing more than her eye-popping curves, hypnotic hip grind, and sultry come-hither looks. Sadly, Hayek has yet to return to the horror genre, choosing instead to produce and star in projects that require clothes.

1. THE NAGIN (MALLIKA SHERAWAT/ HISSS, 2010)

A half-woman/half-snake creature known in Eastern folklore as the Nagin sets out to avenge the capture of her mate in India by an American hunter on holiday.

Indian actress Mallika Sherawat, known as the Marilyn Monroe of Bollywood, plays the lethal, but alluring, snake goddess. The curvy 33-year-old stunner describes her character as “very sexy, venomous and it can swallow you whole.”

Swallow you whole? That will get you the #1 slot every time!

Ever sat in a theater during a movie and wondered if you had what it takes to be a hero? If shit hit the fan, would you fight the monster and steer the ship to safety? Would you save the girl and outrun the fireball? Would you go back for that fallen comrade who is infected with a viral disease?

Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

If some deranged killer murdered my loved ones as I watched, I wouldn’t tie on a cape and scour the streets for villains. Nor would I dive into the fiery pits of hell to save humankind (good luck getting me to leave the house when it’s over 80 degrees outside).

If Morpheus had asked me to choose between the red pill of truth or the blue pill of ignorance, I would have popped the blue and sat back to watch HBO. Does that make me an asshole?

Thankfully, not all movie heroes are goody-two-shoe showoffs or tormented avengers. Some are just guys like you and me, looking to make it through the day with a little bit of stripper-money.

The following is a list of horror, sci-fi, and fantasy heroes guaranteed not to make you feel like an asshole. They are ranked in order of relatability.

12. CAPT. MALCOLM REYNOLDS (NATHAN FILLION, “FIREFLY,” SERENITY)

“Browncoat” Malcolm Reynolds, a platoon sergeant in the 57th Overlanders, fought in the Unification Wars against the Alliance, a governing union formed by the U.S. and China to control a new star system in the year 2517.

Reynolds’ side lost. But, rather than bow down to the powers that be, he bought himself a ship (the Serenity), put together a crew, and lived outside the system as a goods smuggler.

Bucking the system to make your own way is never easy, but teaming up with free-thinkers (your drinking buddies) and arming yourselves with guns makes it a lot easier.

11. SCOTT PILGRIM (MICHAEL CERA, SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD)

Awkward geek and aspiring musician Scott Pilgrim must defeat his paramour’s seven evil ex-boyfriends in arcade-styled battles to maintain access to her vaginal charms.

His foes will include vegan rockers, twisted twins, lesbian ninjas, and skateboarders.

While that’s quite an interesting roster of former beaus, they’re not nearly as frightening as your girlfriend’s ex’s: herpes carrier, second-generation cousin, and donkey-dicked black guy.

10. DET. DAVID CREEGAN (JEFFREY DONOVAN, “TOUCHING EVIL”)

After taking a bullet to the head, Det. David Creegan loses the part of his brain that provides him with common sense and impulse control. His erratic behavior alienates those around him and makes it difficult for his coworkers to tolerate him, despite the fact that he remains the best dick on the force.

While the short-lived series, produced by the Hughes Brothers (Book of Eli, From Hell), revolved around apprehending vicious criminals, I believe Creegan’s condition was a metaphor for all of us who drink heavily on the job.

9. WESLEY GIBSON (JAMES MCAVOY, WANTED)

A hero for the Dilbert set, Wesley Gibson transforms from meek office-drone and cuckold (his live-in girlfriend is fucking his best friend) to elite assassin with supernatural abilities when he meets the aptly named Fox (Angelina Jolie), an insanely gorgeous, but emotionally scarred, femme fatal who takes him under her wing.

While chances are there is absolutely nothing remotely special about you, Wesley shows us that all you need is a psycho-bitch girlfriend with daddy issues to make you feel like a superman.

8. ASH WILLIAMS (BRUCE CAMPBELL, EVIL DEAD TRILOGY)

In the span of three Evil Dead films, Ash had his sister raped by evil trees, beheaded his girlfriend with a shovel, amputated his hand while battling possession, and led King Arthur’s men against the armies of darkness in Medieval England.

And, through it all, he remained groovy.

Ash was never meant to be a hero and it shows. Easily rattled, put-upon, and rash (”Clatto, Verata, … Necktie!”), he succeeds through trial-and-error—lots of error. And, that’s what makes him a man, dammit!

7. TALLAHASSEE (WOODY HARRELSON, ZOMBIELAND)

Unlike Ash, Tallahassee loves slaughtering the undead about as much as he loves Twinkies. Be it with a shotgun or a banjo, he delivers every deathblow with such gusto it make us wish we were living in a zombie apocalypse.

Tallahassee reminds us that the best way to survive all of life’s hardships is to simply employ the old idiom “When life hands you Snowballs, kill something.”

6. DEXTER MORGAN (MICHAEL C. HALL, “DEXTER”)

Killing is Dexter Morgan’s business. When he’s not analyzing blood-splatter for the Miami Metro Police Department, he’s wrapping fuckers up in plastic and hacking their bodies to pieces.

Admit it. In the course of any given day, you will daydream about killing certain people. Maybe it’s your wife, the kids, the guy driving too slow in front of you, the guy driving to fast behind you, your ungrateful boss, the coworker that texts while attempting to carry on a conversation with you, or that asshole cop that doesn’t seem to understand that you really do drive better when you’re drunk.

By the time you make it home to watch “Dexter”, you’re thirsty for blood and hungry to see some deserving ass-clowns get their comeuppances. Of course, Morgan’s code only allows him to target other serial killers. But, that’s OK. Every hero has his flaws.

5. FOX “SPOOKY” MULDER (DAVID DUCHOVNY, “THE X-FILES”)

While most FBI agents focus their time on finding missing kids and terrorist cells (yawn), Fox Mulder searched for the truth … and porn. As head of The X-Files, Mulder often chased his own tail while trying to uncover government conspiracies and investigate paranormal activity. The cases were often frightening and always frustrating for our hero.

Mulder eased his tension by watching skin-flicks and flirting with his better-looking-as-the-seasons-passed partner Dana Scully. But, his determination to find the truth about UFOs and government cover-ups eventually led to his own abduction, imprisonment, and the God-awful movie sequel X-Files: I Want to Believe.

If we can learn one thing from Mulder, it is to not take our jobs too seriously. Yes, the truth is out there—but, so are girl-on-donkey sex videos.

4. JAMES “SAWYER” FORD (JOSH HOLLOWAY, “LOST”)

Conman James “Sawyer” Ford is good-looking, charming, and courageous—everything your wife/girlfriend wishes you were. So, why is he on this list? Because those traits are just part of a long con. Underneath that easy-going cowboy exterior is an impulsive, short-tempered man who wants to do good, but realizes doing such often ends with a kick to the teeth. Starting to sound like someone ya know yet, doc?

Sure, by the series finale, Sawyer had matured into a still-flawed, but caring, leader and found redemption through his unfaltering love for soul-mate Juliette. But, before then, he killed the man responsible for his parents’ murder-suicide, kept guns, meds, and porn from his fellow castaways, murdered the guy that blew up his raft (Tom Friendly), and bedded Jack’s girl Kate.

And, he still got into heaven.

3. HAN SOLO (HARRISON FORD, ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY)

As a former-smuggler/gambler who’s not afraid to shoot first, Han Solo is the antithesis of goody-two-shoes Luke Skywalker. His involvement with the rebel alliance only came forth as a means to get paid—first to take Obi-Wan & Luke to Alderaan, and then to rescue Princess Leia.

Of course, his involvement with Leia soon led him to partake in rebel plots to overthrow the Empire, which subsequently left him frozen in carbonite in The Empire Strikes Back and, worse, subjected him to singing Ewoks in Return of the Jedi . But, if you’ve seen Leia rock a metal-bikini, you know he did it all for the wookie nookie.

Every guy does things he knows he shouldn’t to get some leg. It may not involve navigating the Millennium Falcon through a sea of Imperial fleets or fighting off stormtroppers with your dog, but sitting next to your girl at the latest Amanda Seyfried rom-com counts.

2. CAPT. JACK SPARROW (JOHNNY DEPP, PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN TRILOGY)

Captain Jack Sparrow is a pirate in a Disney movie so murder and rape are absent from his repertoire. But, that doesn’t mean the old salty stays out of trouble.

A womanizer and a drunk, Sparrow’s adventures are usually triggered by reckless fancy. In the span of three films, he has lost his ship (The Black Pearl), his mind, and even his soul. But, of course, he always comes out on top … and with some good drinking stories to boot.

And, that’s the lesson Sparrow teaches us: Taking chances and being heroic is always best to do when you’re too drunk to make proper judgment calls.

1. HUGO “HURLEY” REYES (JORGE GARCIA, “LOST”)

After being tormented for years by bad luck, insanity, ghost-whispering, and Sawyer’s fat-jokes, Hurley finally ascended to hero status as protector of the island in the series finale of “LOST.” And, he did so without dropping a single pound of weight!

Despite being surrounded by good looking guys (Sawyer, Boone), tough guys (Locke, Sayid), and smart guys (Jack, Faraday), Hurley proved that sometimes all it takes to be a hero is, like, compassion, dude.

So, skip the gym, burn all your books, and go on and enjoy a bag of Doritos with a bucket of ranch dressing.  Just be good to those around you, Jumbotron.

With the end of 2009 came a slew of top movie lists by critics and bloggers. But, how did horror fare at the box office in ‘09? What did ticket-buying audiences watch?   The following is a list of 2009’s Top 15 Horror Earners at the box office (data courtesy of Box Office Mojo). I’ve also included a one sentence Buy, Rent, or Bury review.

1. The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Budget: $50 million

Domestic Gross: $288,798,541

Worldwide Gross: $683,098,541

Eddie Says: Bury. Vampires should not look like gay Abercrombie models.

2. Paranormal Activity

Budget: $15,000

Domestic Gross: $107,870,499

Worldwide Gross: n/a

Eddie Says: Rent. 20 minutes of creepy footage; an hour of nausea.

3. Zombieland

Budget: $23.6 million

Domestic Gross: $75,590,286

Worldwide Gross: $93,246,518

Eddie Says: Buy. Michael Cera wannabe Jesse Eisenberg is annoying, but Woody and a fun script make this golden.

4. The Final Destination

Budget: $40 million

Domestic Gross: $66,477,700

Worldwide Gross: $152,613,997

Eddie Says: Rent. Skip the 3D. It’s poorly executed. But, the film is still a good time, especially if you’re hopped up on booze or something!

5. Friday the 13th (2009)

Budget: $19 million

Domestic Gross: $65,002,019

Worldwide Gross: $91,379,051

Eddie Says: Rent. Jason looks awesomely intimidating, but the kills lack the creativity normally found in the series.

6. The Haunting in Connecticut

Budget: Unknown

Domestic Gross: $55,389,516

Worldwide Gross: $76,768,900

Eddie Says: Buy. Very creepy, underrated ghost film.

7. My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Budget: $15 million

Domestic Gross: $51,545,952

Worldwide Gross: $99,974,001

Eddie Says: Buy. Outrageous kills. Frivolous nudity. What’s not to love?

8. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Budget: $35 million

Domestic Gross: $45,802,315

Worldwide Gross: $91,085,163

Eddie Says: Rent. Solid prequel and Rhona Mitra is hot.

9. The Unborn (2009)

Budget: $16 million

Domestic Gross: $42,670,410

Worldwide Gross: $76,513,691

Eddie Says: Buy. Critics panned it, but fuck them in the neck. This is a fun ride. Very creepy images. Gorgeous heroine. Best viewed home alone in the dark.

10. Drag Me to Hell

Budget: $30 million

Domestic Gross: $42,100,625

Worldwide Gross: $86,117,189

Eddie Says: Buy. Sam Raimi doesn’t miss a beat in his return to horror. Violent, gory, and funny—this is everything you want from the Evil Dead director.

11. Orphan

Budget: Unknown

Domestic Gross: $41,596,251

Worldwide Gross: $53,243,687

Eddie Says: Rent. Predictable, but the orphan girl sure is creepy.

12. Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2

Budget: $15 million

Domestic Gross: $33,392,973

Worldwide Gross: $37,665,801

Eddie Says: Bury. Rob’s fascination with all things white trash continues to desecrate John Carpenter’s Halloween. It’s a shame because he does have an eye for nightmarish imagery and a knack for shooting violence.

13. The Last House on the Left (2009)

Budget: Unknown

Domestic Gross: $32,752,215

Worldwide Gross: $44,388,363

Eddie Says: Buy. Brutally and relentlessly violent. Far superior to Wes Craven’s beloved original (which really sucks donkey balls). Better acting. Tighter script. Just ignore the microwave scene.

14. The Stepfather (2009)

Budget: $20 million

Domestic Gross: $29,062,561

Worldwide Gross: n/a

Eddie Says: Rent. I didn’t see this remake, but I’ll rent it off the strength of the original.

15. The Uninvited

Budget: Unknown

Domestic Gross: $28,596,818

Worldwide Gross: $40,659,634

Eddie Says: Bury. Cute girls, but this is PG-13 horror aimed at tweens. Skip.

Want more lists? Then check out the Ten Hottest Horror/Sci-fi Babes of the Past Decade and 15 Vampire Movies That Won’t Make You Gay.

It’s 2010 and my resolution is to stop procrastinating … next year.

The following is Clatto’s list of the 10 Hottest Horror/Sci-fi Babes of the Decade. It is comprised of actresses who have starred in high-profile horror/sci-fi projects during the last 10 years. So while someone like Naomi Watts may not seem like a scream queen, her work in the Ring films and Peter Jackson’s King Kong would earn her more points than the nurse chick in Run Bitch Run.

Looks also play a part so brace yourself for disappointment if you happen to be a Kathy Bates fan. Finally, rank was determined by the starlet’s productivity and by taking into consideration the likelihood that they will stay true to the horror genre.

(TO SEE THE 11 SEXIEST MANEATER BABES IN HORROR/SCI-FI, GO HERE)

10. Monica Bellucci

Urban legend has it that simply chanting the name Bellucci will conjure up feelings of arousal. The Italian born actress kicked off the decade playing Persephone, the disenchanted trophy wife of the Frenchman, in the two sequels to the groundbreaking sci-fi actioner The Matrix. In 2005, she starred as the Mirror Queen opposite Matt Damon and Heath Ledger in director Terry Gilliam’s (The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, Twelve Monkeys) The Brothers Grimm.

Admired for her drop-dead gorgeous figure and loved by those with penises for her willingness to do nudity, Bellucci is regrettably not a big fan of horror movies. However, the new decade will see Bellucci in John Turteltaub’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and the Joel Schumacher thriller 1:30 Train. Personally, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a sequel to Bellucci’s butt-rape classic Irreversible.

9. Jennifer Connelly

Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Connelly is best known for her dramatic performances in pictures such as Requiem for a Dream and House of Sand and Fog, but the stunning Brooklyn Heights native lent her talents to some high-profile fantasy films over the past decade, kicking off with Ang Lee’s Hulk remake in 2003.

Dark Water, an adaptation of Hideo Nakata’s Japanese ghost film of the same name, followed in 2005. In ‘08, she starred opposite Keanu Reeves in the 20th Century Fox remake The Day the Earth Stood Still and alongside Brendon Fraser in the film adaptation of Cornelia Funke’s novel Inkheart. This year, she provided the voice of 7 in the animated, must-see, post-apocalyptic thriller 9.

While none of these films were commercial successes, Forbes places Connelly at #2 on their Top 10 Best Actresses for the Buck list (Naomi Watts is #1).

Among Connelly’s fav horror flicks are: Rosemary’s Baby, Don’t Look Now, and The Shining.

8. Naomi Watts

Aussie actress Naomi Watts paid her horror/sci-fi dues during the ’90s with such unfortunate crap as Children of the Corn: The Gathering and the Lori Petty vehicle Tank Girl. Thankfully, the blonde stunner fared much better in the decade that followed, delivering a critically acclaimed scene-chewing/carpet-munching performance in the 2001 David Lynch mystery-thriller Mulholland Dr. and a career-making turn in Dreamworks’ 2002 J-horror adaptation The Ring.

In 2005, Watts reprised her role as tormented career-mom Rachel Keller for The Ring 2 and also took the lead in Peter Jackson’s King Kong reboot. Though her undeniable acting abilities have unfortunately secured her enough dramatic work to keep her away from the horror genre, the 41-year-old actress continues to keep one foot in the grave so-to-speak. In 2007, she produced and starred in the American version of the home-invasion frightener Funny Games.

During a press conference for Games in ‘08, Watts said:

I’ve never been a fan of gore. Even though I’ve done quite a few thrillers and films of this genre, there’s never really been much blood and guts in the films that I’ve done. It’s been more psychological. I understand that every film has its value in its own different way. What works for some people doesn’t work for others. I’m an actor. I enjoy playing fear – but again I’m not ever really interested in the gory, gory stuff.

Up next for Watts is a lead role in an adaptation of the Alfred Hitchcock classic The Birds.

7. Liv Tyler

In 2001, Peter Jackson proved that elves could produce something far more appetizing than cookies when he cast Liv Tyler as half-elven heroine Arwen in his adaptation of J. R. R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings. Tyler reprised the role in the sequels that followed: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.The trilogy has earned over $2 billion worldwide.

Tyler took some time off from acting to raise her son, but returned to the fantasy genre in 2008 to star opposite Edward Norton in Marvel Studios The Incredible Hulk relaunch. That same year, she starred in one of the decades most terrifying films: The Strangers. A sequel to the intense and brutally violent home-invasion flick is set to be released in 2010 with Tyler attached to star.

Tyler is a fan of J-horror and zombie films and was offered the female lead in director Zach Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake.

6. Sara Michelle Gellar

Sarah Michelle Gellar came into the decade with some hefty creds under her belt, namely an iconic turn as Buffy Summers in producer/creator Joss Whedon’s hit television serial “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and roles in the blockbuster films I Know What You Did Last Summer and Scream 2.

“Buffy” came to an end at the UPN network in 2003, drawing over 4 million viewers for its series finale. Perhaps taking a note from Naomi Watts, Gellar went on to star in Takashi Shimizu’s remake of his own J-horror hit The Grudge (approx. $187 million worldwide) and its sequel The Grudge 2 (approx. $68 million worldwide).

Gellar also starred in Rogue Films disappointing 2006 ghost story The Return and two truly horrific Scooby Doo live-action flicks with husband Freddie Prinze Jr. Her most recent horror offering is the psychological thriller Possession, a remake of the South Korean chiller Jungdok. Gellar plays a woman whose husband and brother-in-law seem to have switch souls after awakening from car accident induced comas.

5. Kate Beckinsale

Kate Beckinsale broke stateside in 2003 with Screen Gem’s surprise vampire vs. werewolves hit Underworld. The sexy Brit has become the Meryl Streep of scantly-clad horror heroines by displaying true acting talent along with her shapely bum in film’s such as 2004’s monster-slayer actioner Van Helsing, the 2006 Underworld sequel Underworld: Evolution, and 2007’s survival-horror show Vacancy.

Named Esquire magazine’s Sexiest Woman Alive 2009, Beckinsale continues to jones for critical acclaim, often taking parts in such dramatic snoozefests as Snow Angels and Everybody’s Fine. She passed on Underworld: Rise of the Lycans and has yet to commit to starring in part 4 of the franchise. She did, however, star in last year’s Arctic-set chiller Whiteout, which unfortunately was given the cold shoulder at the box office.

4. Shawnee Smith

Shawnee Smith’s ongoing role as Amanda Young in Twisted Pictures’ innovative Saw series has made her one of the most recognizable and sought after figures in horror. The South Carolina native took on the iconic part of junkie-turned-Jigsaw apprentice in 2004, after coming off a six year run on the CBS sitcom “Becker.”

Along with all six Saw films, Smith has starred in Michael Bay’s 2005 sci-fi epic The Island, the 2006 cult classic Repo! The Genetic Opera, and 2009’s Ghosthouse sequel The Grudge 3.  In 2008, she played a lead role in Fearnet’s web-series 30 Days of Night: Dust to Dust and hosted the VH1 reality show “Scream Queens,” which put wannabe horror actresses through acting and stunt competitions for a role in Saw 6.

Ironically, Smith remains a big chicken when it comes to watching horror movies.

She tells the NY Post:

It’s hilarious because I don’t watch scary movies. I don’t even watch “CSI!” To me, that’s too jarring for my senses. Which is maybe why I get hired for these things.

3. Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba rose to fame as genetically enhanced femme-fatal Max Guevera in producer James Cameron’s sci-fi TV serial “Dark Angel.” The show only ran for two seasons (2000-2002), but catapulted Alba to big screen success.

That success was quickly threatened, however, by a handful of dreadfully bad flicks (i.e. Honey). Fortunately, the California native’s stardom (and sex appeal) was soon solidified with an iconic turn as lasso-swinging stripper Nancy Callahan in Robert Rodriguez’ 2005 adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel Sin City.

That same year, Alba played  Sue Storm, aka: the Invisible Woman, in 20th Century Fox’s superhero epic The Fantastic Four. She reprised the role two years later in the sequel 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Together, the films have grossed over $600 million worldwide.

Alba also starred as Hayden Christensen’s shady love interest in the 2007 hospital-set thriller Awake and as a haunted cornea transplant recipient in the 2008 American remake of the Pang Brothers The Eye. She received consecutive Razzie nominations for both performances.

The 28-year-old actress has expressed regret over many of her career choices and continues to strive for critical acclaim in spite of her God-given talents of T&A. Thankfully, Alba’s knack for bad decision making (The Love Guru, Valentine’s Day) will most likely keep her cast as eye candy in many horror/sci-fi flicks to come, including the Wild Bunch serial-killer remake The Killer Inside Me, in which she plays a prostitute with an affinity towards rough sex.

2. Eliza Dushku

Eliza Dushku started off the 2000’s on two hit TV shows: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and its spinoff “Angel.” She made her horror movie debut in 2001 opposite Casey Affleck in Soul Survivors, but it was 2003’s homicidal-hillbilly feature Wrong Turn that earned her a new and devout following of genre fans. That same year, Dushku returned to television as the star player in Fox TV’s paranormal series “Tru Callling.” Unfortunately, the show was canceled after two seasons.

Dushku paid her rent by taking roles in numerous indies and direct-to-video titles, including the paranormal-thriller Open Graves (to be released this year) and the serial-killer flick The Alphabet Killer, for which she turned in her first ever topless scene.

In ‘09, the Massachusetts born actress joined forces with Buffy creator Joss Whedon to create the sexy sci-fi actioner “Dollhouse” for Fox. Despite showcasing Dushku’s body in a variety of revealing outfits, the show failed to connect with viewers and was soon shit-canned (the series ends its two-season run on Jan. 22).

Throughout her topsy-turvy Hollywood run, Dushku’s fan base has continued to grow. Her inability to tap into a successful television series and/or film career only endears her more to the horror community and gives them hope for more Dushku straight-to-DVD nudity!

1. Milla Jovovich

Beautiful face, athletic figure, and an affinity for going nude—these are just a few of the things that horror/sci-fi fans love about Milla Jovovich. The Ukrainian born actress/model fell into the horror genre by taking on the iconic role of Alice in the hugely popular Resident Evil films. The series, based on the bestselling Capcom video games, has earned over $370 million worldwide.

In addition to the initial Resident Evil trilogy, Jovovich also starred in the 2006 sci-fi actioner Ultraviolet and in two of 2009’s most memorable horror outings: the survival-suspense-thriller A Perfect Getaway and the alien abduction frightener The Fourth Kind. Up next for Jovovich is the serial-killer drama Faces in the Crowd.

Along with her good looks and impressive ass-kicking abilities on film, what makes Jovovich number one on this list is her embrace of the horror genre and its followers. The 34-year-old stunner makes it a habit to communicate with fans and has most recently been tweeting from the set of Resident Evil: Afterlife, due out later this year.

Jovovich lists The Shining and the Saw films as some of her favorite horror flicks.

Hey, why stop now? Check out our list for 12 Heroes in Horror & Sci-Fi That Won’t Make You Feel Like an Asshole!

Ah, Thanksgiving. The time of year when we all get together with family and give thanks that we got the fuck away when we did. So what if we had to do questionable things in truck stop bathrooms to get by. The point is we got out! It is in that spirit that I present to you Clatto’s Top 5 Diabolical Dinner Parties:

5. DEAD ALIVE – “CUSTARD WITH MUM”

Oscar-winner Peter Jackson is revered by the masses as the esteemed director of The Lord of the Rings, King Kong, and The Lovely Bones. But, to gore-geeks, he is the twisted fuck behind such over-the-top gross-out fare as Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles, and the 1992 zombie-themed cult-fav Dead Alive. The “Custard with Mum” scene (as I call it) finds our protagonist Lionel Cosgrove hosting supper with his “rat-monkey” virus infected mother (Elizabeth Moody).

4. ROPE – “LATE FOR DINNER”

Horror legend Alfred Hitchcock didn’t need gore to disturb audiences. Loosely based on a true story, 1948’s Rope centers on two well-to-do University students in Manhattan who decide to murder their classmate named David just to see if they can get away with it.  But, the diabolical due don’t stop there. They stuff the dead body into an antique wooden chest, drape it over with a tablecloth, set candles and appetizers on top of it, and invite the deceased’s friends and family over for a dinner party! Watching the guests ask “where’s David” throughout the film always triggers groans and head shakes from viewers.

3. APOCALYPTO – “WOULD YOU LIKE BALLS WITH THAT?”

Know that feeling of dread you get around the dinner table when everyone is digging into some pumpkin pie, but your wife has set aside some low-carb, sugar-free bowl of sawdust for you to eat because you’ve gained a few too many pounds and could fall into a diabetic coma at any minute? That’s kind of what happens to Blunted when his tribe is divvying up their tapir dinner at the beginning of Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto. As the only male in the group to not have produced offspring, he’s told he must eat balls if he wants to be fertile. Of course, the whole thing is one big joke. Sound familiar, fat boy?

2. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE – “IT’S ALL RELATIVE”

Marilyn Burns (Helter Skelter) is the guest of honor in Tobe Hooper’s classic 1974 cannibal horror-fest The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Memorable for its numerous scenes of brutality, the dinner table finale ranks as one of the most disturbing and surreal moments in horror cinema. The unrelenting torment Burn’s character Sally suffers through works on our nerves so thoroughly it induces some serious asshole-clenching fright. Kinda like my brother’s vegan wife’s tofu dishes.

1. ALIVE – “SO, WHAT’S FOR DINNER?”

Director Frank Marshall’s 1993 film Alive tells the true tragic tale of the 1972 Andes flight disaster that forced survivors to eat their dead to stay (say it with me) alive! The acting in the flick is a little stiff … but, when you realize that this really happened, it makes it the most diabolical dinner party ever. The only thing worse would be to have to eat vegetables.

]]> http://www.clattoverata.com/2009/11/26/the-5-most-diabolical-dinner-parties-in-horror/feed/ 0 http://www.clattoverata.com/2009/11/24/15-vampire-movies-that-wont-make-you-gay/ http://www.clattoverata.com/2009/11/24/15-vampire-movies-that-wont-make-you-gay/#comments Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:47:48 +0000 Eddie Muertos http://www.clattoverata.com/?p=706

Remember when vampires didn’t look like models for Abercrombie & Fitch? When they didn’t sparkle? I sure do. The following is a list of bloodsucker flicks you can feel good about letting into your home.

15. FRIGHT NIGHT

Fright Night actually had some really good scares, thanks in part to the visual effects handled by Richard Edlund (Ghostbusters, Alien 3) and the casting of “Married with Children’s” Amanda Bearse as the flick’s love interest. Directed by Tom Holland, Fright Night’s plot centers around Charley Brewster, a hardcore horror fan, who is convinced that his new neighbors are vampires. The flick was a huge horror hit in 1985 and is set to be remade by DreamWorks Studios with “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” producer-writer Marti Noxon attached to write.

14. LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM

Ok, so it has Huge Grant. But, director Ken Russell’s 1988 adaptation of the Bram Stoker novel also has soap star honey Catherine Oxenberg (”Dynasty”), wooden dildos, nun rape, virgin sacrifice, and sultry Amanda Donohoe (Starship Troopers 3, “L.A. Law”) as vampire priestess Lady Sylvia Marsh.

The story revolves around an ancient worm demon that must be appeased with human sacrifice. Lady Sylvia is the beast’s keeper. Huge Grant is the lovable but awkward Englishman who wins Lady Sylvia over with a series of clumsy romantic advances. Just kidding! I hope Hollywood remakes this disgusting little gem soon. It would rank higher if it didn’t look and feel so old and cheesy.

13. EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE

This slice of vampire erotica is what I imagine the writings of a tween-aged Stephenie Meyer and/or Anne Rice would have been like. Director Anne Goursaud (Poison Ivy 2) presents the tale of a lovelorn vampire determined to take a 17-year-old girl’s virginity in three days (must have been a bet among frat vamps). The creepy old pedophile vampire comes to the girl every night through a series of wet dreams.

I won’t lie to you. The movie is mind-numbingly dull. But, the film does have one saving grace in its star Alyssa Milano who shows off her … um … Milanos (and more) throughout the film. Milano has performed in the buff in a handful of movies, including the Lolita-themed thriller Poison Ivy 2 and 2008’s Pathology, but Embrace of the Vampire is the Citizen Kane of her nude movie roles.

12. LIFEFORCE

1985 was a great year for vampire flicks and none was more titillating than the sci-fi/vampire mash up Lifeforce. Directed by Tobe Hooper, the man behind such classics as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Poltergeist, and carrying a budget of $25 million, Lifeforce was expected to be a blockbuster hit.

The film only grossed $11 million and garnered mostly negative reviews … except from the 13-year-old boys crafty enough to sneak into a showing to see star Mathilda May completely nude (full-frontal) throughout the movie’s duration. Lifeforce is the story of nude intergalactic vampires out to suck the life force from humans, turning them into sex-starved zombies. Someone get Platinum Dunes on the phone. This movie deserves to be remade with Megan Fox in the May role.

11. VAMP

Fangs and fun-bags abound in this 1986 gem from director Richard Wenk (Wishcraft). The story’s premise is actually pretty relatable (anyone?): three college kids set out to find the sleaziest stripper they can for their frat party. Their search leads them to a dive titty bar on the outskirts of town where the strippers are more than willing to suck off the patrons.

The very handsome Grace Jones (she’s a man, baby!) is the club’s feature performer and head vampire. A catch-me-if-you-can game of pussy and mouse ensues as the guys try to stay alive till morning. Vamp holds up pretty good for an ’80s flick, thanks in part to its humor, gratuitous nudity, and a cute Dedee Pfeiffer (yes, Michelle’s sister).

10. THE LOST BOYS

The vampires may have looked like members of Dokken circa 1985, but lead bloodsucker David (Keifer Sutherland) would sooner headbutt you in a drunken rage than plant a wet one on your kisser. Director Joel Schumacher skips goth romance and vampiric existential drama in this classic ’80s horror-comedy to conjure up hard-partying vampires with a taste for mayhem. I mean where else are you going to see a vampire’s initiation done over Chinese takeout and drinks?

Corey Feldman reprised his role as Edgar Frog in the 2008 straight-to-DVD sequel Lost Boys: The Tribe and will do so again for 2010’s Lost Boys: The Thirst.

9. THIRST

Blood lust takes on a whole new meaning in Korean director Park Chan-wook’s (Oldboy, Sympathy for Mr. Vengance) perverse morality tale Thirst. Actor Song Kang-ho (The Host) plays a kindhearted priest determined to help stop a deadly virus in his community by participating in a medical program designed to find a vaccine. Things go terribly wrong and he dies. But, he doesn’t stay dead. The blood transfusion used in the experiment has brought him back to life as a vampire with an insatiable thirst for plasma and pussy, namely that of his brother’s wife Tae-ju (Kim Ok-bin). Tae-ju manipulates the priest’s desires and convinces him to murder her husband, his brother.

Thirst is a love story drenched in violence, shame, and sickness. When you think it can’t get any more depraved … it does.

8. VAN HELSING

Critics and a lot of horror fans have an unnatural hate for Stephen Sommers (The Mummy, Deep Rising) take on Bram Stoker’s vampire hunter Van Helsing. Sure, the story is convoluted, but it’s fun to see many of Universal’s classic monsters brought together in one flick.

What’s most impressive about Van Helsing is its female cast, namely corset-wearing, ass-kicking stunner Kate Beckinsale (Underworld, Whiteout) and Dracula’s brides, played by Italian actress Silvia Colloca (Lesbian Vampire Killers), model/actress Josie Maran (The Gravedancers), and Spanish actress Elena Anaya (Fragiles). With that much eye candy, I can’t understand how any guy can be sour over this movie. Oh, and it has Wolverine Huge Jackman in it. he’s still cool right?

7. LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

This critically acclaimed 2008 Swedish vampire flick follows the budding relationship between a 12-year-old misfit boy named Oskar and his vampire girlfriend Eli. Directed by Tomas Alfredson, the film veers away from traditional scares to focus on its demented coming-of-age story. Set in the Stockholm suburb of Blackeberg during winter, the snowy and eerily still backdrop provides a striking contrast to the movie’s swift and bloody kills. The film does lag in spots (so shoot me for saying so) and makes me look forward to Overture Films’ upcoming American remake Let Me In. That said, the story is compelling and I’m sure little Eli could drink Edward Cullen’s milkshake blood any day of the week.

6. BLADE TRILOGY

Always bet on Blackula Wesley Snipes (Gallowwalker, Demolition Man). That’s what New Line Cinema did for 1998’s horror-actioner Blade. Based on Marvel Comics’ sword-wielding, vampire killer, the films are bloody, violent fun that have only gotten better with each installment. Part one established Blade as a human/vampire halfbreed and followed him as he attempted to shut down the Shadow Council. The opening “blood rave” scene is an inspired bit of mayhem worthy of replay.

Blade II upped the action and visual effects in 2002 courtesy of director Guillermo del Toro (Pans Labyrinth, Hellboy). The final chapter in the series Blade: Trinity introduced the character Abigail Whistler, played by sexy ass-kicker Jessica Biel (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Illusionist).

5. TRUE BLOOD

Ok, so this isn’t a movie. But, it’s not TV either. It’s HBO. In addition, the production on this Alan Ball (”Six Feet Under”) adaptation of novelist Charlaine Harris’ The Southern Vampire Mysteries often trumps many of the genre’s cinematic offerings. Regrettably, I had dismissed “True Blood” as another girl-falls-for-vampire goth soap. I was thrilled to discover that it’s a stylish serial chockful of dark humor, violence, and frivolous nudity, including Anna Paquin (Interview with a Vampire) boobage.

The series revolves around Paquin’s Sookie Stackhouse character, a telepathic waitress involved with a 173-year-old vampire, and the ongoing assimilation of the vampire species into society, made possible through the discovery of synthetic blood.

4. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT

I would love to see Twilight’s Jacob Black and his dog pound try some shit with the vampires in director David Slade’s (Hard Candy) bloody Alaska-set, terror tale 30 Days of Night. These bloodsuckers are an ugly and extremely ravenous bunch with rows of razor sharp incisors in their mouths. They drool, spit, and shriek to the point of making the hair on your nut-sac stand. Their kills are messy, quick and gory. These are not the type of vampires you invite into your room to listen to Death Cab for Cutie.

A sequel–30 Days of Night: Dark Days–is on the way. Meanwhile, Slade has been tapped to direct Eclipse, the third installment in the Twilight franchise (so watch out Jacob!).

3. NEAR DARK

Violent, shit-talking, hillbilly vampires own the night in director Kathryn Bigelow’s 1987 cult classic Near Dark. The film’s nomadic band of vamps is played by genre god Lance Henriksen (“Millennium,” Pumpkinhead), tough broad Jenette Goldstein (Autopsy, Aliens), creepy punk kid Joshua John Miller (River’s Edge, Halloween 3: Season of the Witch), seductive pixie Jenny Wright (The Lawnmower Man, I, Madman), and the amazing Bill Paxton (Frailty, Aliens) at his most balls-out, sneering, wild-eyed psycho best. The truth is, as portrayed by these actors, this group of degenerates would be scary even if they weren’t vampires.

In 2002, Anchor Bay released a special 2-disc digitally remastered version of the film on DVD. It includes a variety of bonus material, including a not-to-be-missed 47 minute featurette with director and cast.

2. UNDERWORLD TRILOGY

Screen Gems Underworld series launched in 2003 and quickly made a star of Kate Beckinsale (Vacancy, Haunted). The slender, yet curvy, Brit has been raising the stiffs in our pants ever since, but never as much as when she dons her form-fitting black latex suit to play Underworld’s sultry vampire and werewolf-neutering antihero Selene.

The films’ mythology revolves around an ongoing feud between werewolfs (called Lycans here) and vampires. Selene is compromised in this battle when she falls for a man named Michael who turns out to be a Lycan/vampire halfbreed. Despite its intricate story, the series remains heavy on action and effects.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, the third installment in the series, served as a prequel and introduced yet another British babe: Rhona Mitra (Doomsday, Skinwalkers).

1. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN

Robert Rodriguez’ s (Planet Terror, Sin City) pulpy vamp-actioner From Dusk Till Dawn stirs up the horror, crime, and road trip niches into a soup of sleaze and splatter. The film is as much fun today as it was during its release in 1996. Written for the screen by Quentin Tarantino (Death Proof), Dawn follows hard-boiled criminals Seth and Richie Gecko as they motor-home invade the Fuller family to get to Mexico. Once south of the border, the group makes the unfortunate decision to patronize the Titty Twister establishment, a feeding hole for ancient Aztecan vampire strippers.

Despite its quotable dialogue, over-the-top violence, and creature-feature goodness, From Dusk Till Dawn will always be remembered for showcasing Salma Hayek’s slamming body as vampire queen–and club feature–Santanico Pandemonium.

If you still feel kinda gay,then you may want to check out our list of The Ten Hottest Horror/Sci-fi Babes of the Past Decade and The 11 Sexiest Maneater Babes in Horror & Sci-Fi. Hurry!

And, don’t miss our 12 Heroes in Horror & Sci-Fi That Won’t Make You Feel Like an Asshole!

The folks at HollywoodReporter.com announced today that Paramount Pictures is looking to produce a sequel to its supernatural hit Paranormal Activity. Shot for $15 thousand by first-time director Oren Peli, Activity has already scared up $85 million domestically. Can the studio summon similar interests in a sequel? Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman seems to think so. He states:

Our team will come up with the right creative and marketing approach to make sure that we benefit from a sequel.

You know what would benefit me? Getting rid of hand-held horror. Paranormal Activity features a likable and talented cast (newcomers Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat), a scary/fun story, and some of the most creepy images committed to film. But, all that shaky-cam action makes me want to puke. I know the film aims to create a real-time vibe for its audience, but is it really necessary to jerk the camera during every frame? I have starred in many of my family’s home videos and not once have they looked like they were shot by a Parkinson’s patient. Am I alone on this?

The Top 5 List of hand-held horror flicks that made me physically ill:

5. District 9

Aliens come down to earth and get treated like black people. Smart and action packed. I was sick an hour in.

4. Seventh Moon

This flick has Amy Smart, engaging folklore , creepy zombies, an exotic location (China) and … Amy Smart! Unfortunately for me, it’s directed by Eduardo Sanchez, aka Mr. Blair Witch.

3. Cloverfield

Interesting concept. Flashy effects. Brilliant poster. Produced by J.J. Abrams (Lost). I got sick 30 minutes in.

2. The Blair Witch Project

Groundbreaking marketing campaign. Believable actors. Super creepy scenes. I loved the story. Vomited in parking lot immediately after.

1. Paranormal Activity

When the camera is on the tripod in the bedroom, this movie is freaky good stuff. When it’s in Micah’s hands, it’s vertigo city.

The gents at AskMen.com took a short break from fawning over Fall’s most chichi jackets for men to write up a list of the Top Ten Scariest Video Games currently on the market (click here to see complete countdown). Topping the list are:

3. Left 4 Dead

2. Resident Evil 4

1. Dead Space

So, what do you think Blogsuckers? Did the dapper lads at AskMen.com get it right?

I’ve heard Left 4 Dead is a blast to play online. Unfortunately, the idea of getting my fragile gamer ego stomped on by groups of tween mouth-breathers keeps me from giving it a try. I’ve loved the Resident Evil series since its days on the original Playstation, but part four gives me vertigo if I play longer than five minutes, which wouldn’t be a problem if Mrs. Muertos didn’t mind me keeping a puke bucket next to the armchair.

Dead Space … now there’s a game that makes the hair on my ball sack stand.

On the flip side, we at Clatto Verata have listed the Top Three Potentially Most Frightening Stories currently on AskMen.com (sorry, we didn’t actually read’em) :

3. Reasons Women Withhold Sex
(Do guys really want to know this?)

2. Top 5: Naked Date Ideas
(It rarely works out the way you imagine)

1. Picking Up Women on Public Transport
(Just a bad idea)