Twentieth Century Fox held the world premiere for director Robert Rodriguez’s revenge thriller Machete yesterday at the legendary Orpheum Theater in downtown Los Angeles. Hundreds of vatos and ruccas gathered in the streets to watch as the film’s stars arrived in colorful, tricked-out Lowriders.

Unfortunately, I mistook a large gathering of Mexican day laborers at the Home Depot for the event and missed out on all the festivities. I did, however, make 20 bucks cash for helping a gringo move a fridge into his third-story apartment.

Jessica Alba & Michelle Rodriguez Cozy Up with the Wrong Mexican

Machete headliner Danny Trejo led the caravan riding on an orange-flamed custom-built motorcycle. Joining the veteran action star at the event were director Rodriguez and costars Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, and Electra Avellan (in a very short pink number).

Also spotted: Oscar-winning director Quentin Tarantino, painfully overrated comedian Sarah Silverman, “True Blood” newbie Natasha Alam, busty entertainment reporter Lauren Sanchez, Dana Rosendorff, Clifton Collins Jr., and Jacob Vargas.

Troublemakers: Robert Rodriguez & Electra Avellan

Machete stars Trejo as a double-crossed assassin out to kill the honkies that set him up and left him for dead. The film is based on the faux-trailer featured in the 2007 Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino collaboration Grindhouse.

The all-star cast also includes Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal, Rose McGowen, Jeff Fahey, Elise Avellan, and a reportedly topless Lindsay Lohan.

Machete swings into theaters on Sept. 3.

[View with PicLens]

Anchor Bay have released a full-length theatrical trailer for its unrated remake of Meir Zarchi’s controversial 1978 revenge-thriller I Spit On Your Grave. Directed by Steven R. Monroe, the film stars newcomer Sarah Butler in the role of novelist Jennifer Hill (originally played by Camille Keaton), a gang-rape victim out to do terrible things to the penises of her assailants.

I don’t know about you, but when this flick gets to Jennifer’s “unmerciful” and “unapologetic” acts of retribution, my balls and I are heading over to the auditorium next door to see Secretariat, a heartwarming tale about a horse, his nuts, and the will to run very fast.

Check the trailer (courtesy of Yahoo):

Officially on a break from directing forgettable comedies, “Friends” star David Schwimmer explores the very unfriendly themes of rape and revenge  in his upcoming Clive Owen (Children of Men) thriller Trust. The film makes its debut in September at the 2010 Toronto International Film Festival.

Take a peek:

What? That’s it? Where’s The Rembrandt’s song and the  ::Clap::Clap::Clap::Clap:: part? I don’t know. I think this would work better with some clapping.

Anyway, in case you missed the plot points while looking for Rachel and Chandler in the trailer, here’s the official synospsis:

Safe and sound in their suburban home, Will and Lynn Cameron used to sleep well at night. When their 14-year-old daughter, Annie, made a new friend on-line – a 16-year-old boy named Charlie – Will and Lynn didn’t think much of it. But when Annie and Charlie make a plan to meet what happens in the next twenty-four hours changes the entire family forever.

Charlie is really a 40-year-old serial pedophile and, once Annie’s rape comes to light, it becomes a touchstone event that reverberates through the entire family [::clap::clap::clap::clap::].

Trust costars Catherine Keener (Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief), Tom McCarthy (The Lovely Bones), Viola Davis (Disturbia), Liana Liberato (”Sons of Anarchy”), Jason Clarke (Death Race), and Nicole Forester (Vampires Anonymous).

Summit Entertainment hosted a Comic-Con panel today for director Patrick Lussier’s (My Bloody Valentine 3-D) supernatural road-rager Drive Angry 3-D. Joining Lussier on the stage were actors Nicholas Cage, William Fichtner, and blonde babe Amber Heard.

Drive Angry follows Milton (Cage), a damned soul, as he escapes hell to embark on a quest to run down the cult that murdered his daughter and abducted his grandchild for sacrifice. On the run from the police and Satan’s own bounty hunter (Fichtner), Milton is aided on his revenge mission by lost-soul waitress Piper (Heard).

The film, which was shot with 3-D cams (no post conversion here), wrapped two months ago and marks Cage’s first foray into the format, which the actor welcomed as an opportunity to amp up his physical performance.

Said Cage:

How could I mess with the camera. What moves could I do that would go into the 4th row of the audience? That’s what I was trying to see.

Lussier told Comic-Con attendees that the film was inspired by action films of the ’60s and ’70s including Bullitt and Vanishing Point. The director also revealed that the title was taken from a line of dialogue in the highly overrated 1993 Bill Murray comedy Groundhog Day.

I'm still a prickly pear!

Drive Angry 3-D costars Billy Burke (Twilight Saga), David Morse (Disturbia), Charlotte Ross (”NYPD Blue”), Katy Mixon (The Quiet), Bryan Massey (Boggy Creek), Pruitt Taylor Vince (Captivity), Wanetah Walmsley (Vampires Suck), and Playboy model Christa Campbell (2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams).

Look for it in theaters on Feb 11, 2011.

[View with PicLens]

Director Robert Rodriguez has unleashed a “gut-ripping” red-band trailer for his grindhouse-y revenge-thriller Machete. The gleefully violent clip provides a glimpse of the film’s all-star cast including Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey, and the hardest working Mexi-can in all of Hollywood Danny Trejo.

The trailer also features some boner-inducing nudity from someone who looks a lot like Elise or Electra Avellan. Despite jerking off to watching the damn thing over 50 times , I can’t quite tell if its one of the sisters, a body double (though face & boobs are in same shot), or a different actress all together.

What do you vatos think:

Summit Entertainment has rolled out the first official images for its Nicholas Cage road-rage supernatural-actioner Drive Angry 3-D. Directed by Patrick Lussier, the film costarsthe very hot Amber Heard (pictured above), milfy Charlotte Ross, Playboy model Christa Campbell, and some other fine vagina-less actors.

Drive Angry follows a man (Cage) on a quest to run down the pricks that murdered his daughter and abducted his grandchild. Producer Mike De Luca (Priest, GhostRider) promises the film will be rated a hard R and include plenty of “car parts and body parts flying at you in 3-D.”

The film’s official synopsis reads:

In the newest 3D action-adventure from the director of MY BLOODY VALENTINE, DRIVE ANGRY stars Nicolas Cage as Milton, a hardened felon who has broken out of hell for one last chance at redemption. Intent on stopping a vicious cult who murdered his daughter, he has three days to stop them before they sacrifice her baby beneath a full moon.

He’s joined by Piper (Amber Heard) – a young, sexy waitress who liberates her ex-boyfriend’s cherry-red muscle car in order to help Milton.  Now, the two of them are hot on the trail of the deadly leader of the cult, Jonah King (Billy Burke), who believes it is his destiny to use the baby to unleash hell on earth.

But the bloodthirsty cult is the least of Milton’s problems.  The police are after him too. And worse, an enigmatic killer known only as “The Accountant” – who has been sent by the Devil to retrieve Milton and deliver him back to hell. With wicked cunning and hypnotic savagery, the Accountant will relentlessly pursue Milton at high speed across the country until his mission is accomplished.

Fueled by high octane and pure rage, Milton must use his anger to go beyond all human limits to avenge his daughter’s murder, before his last chance at redemption is revoked.

Like I said … he’s out to run over some pricks.

Drive Angry 3-D arrives in theaters on Feb. 11, 2011. It’s vagina-less costars include Billy Burke, William Fichtner, David Morse, Bryan Massey, and Pruitt Taylor Vince.

[View with PicLens]

Anchor Bay Entertainment has released a boner-inducing new poster for director Steven R. Monroe’s I Spit On your Grave remake (pictured above). The sexy one sheet features newbie actress Sarah Butler and her alluring dirt-smeared ass paying homage to Meir Zarchi’s controversial 1978 revenge-thriller Day of the Woman (re-released in 1980 as I Spit On Your Grave).

The new poster is far more enticing than the original, which depicted Butler as a disheveled mad-woman out to castrate her assailants with a pair of gardening shears (a serious buzz-kill for fans of non-consensual sodomy).

I Spit On Your Grave stars Butler in the role of Jennifer Hill (originally played by Camille Keaton), a young novelist on a mission to maim, dismember, and murder the men who brutally and repeatedly gang-raped her while she was on vacation.

The film arrives in theaters on Oct. 8 and is reportedly being released in all of its Unrated glory (Fuck yeah).

Twentieth Century Fox has released the first official trailer for Robert Rodriguez’s eagerly anticipated revenge-thriller Machete. The clip showcases the film’s impressive all-star cast, including femme fatales Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Rose McGowan, and twin sisters Elise and Electra Avellan.

Take a look:

The film also stars Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Jeff Fahey, Lindsay Lohan, and Hollywood’s hardest working Mexi-can Danny Trejo as the titular bad-ass.

Machete is a double-crossed assassin out to kill the honkies that set him up and left him for dead. The film is based on the faux-trailer featured in the 2007 Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino collaboration Grindhouse.

Erika Christensen stars as a mother out for revenge in Twisted Pictures (Saw) first ever family film The Tortured. The film will have its world premiere  at the 11th Annual Film4 Frightfest film festival in London (Aug. 26-30).

Directed by Rob Lieberman (Fire in the Sky), The Tortured stars Christensen and Jesse Metcalfe as a young married couple out to punish the murderer (Bill Moseley) who abducted their son. The movie’s trailer was debuted at last year’s AFM convention in Los Angeles.

The film marks a return to horror for Christensen, who currently stars on NBC’s family drama “Parenthood.” The pretty 27-year-old starlet’s fright credits include the 2005 thriller Flightplan and 2002 teen obsession-thriller Swimfan.

Director Robert Rodriguez has cut an “illegal” trailer for his upcoming Mexploitation revenge-thriller Machete. The clip includes a Cinco de Mayo dedication to the state of Arizona from the film’s star Danny Trejo. But, rather, than provide me with the exclusive, Rodriguez chose to give it to the fat white guy over at Ain’t It Cool. Fucking race traitor.

Anyway, mira esto, putos:

Machete’s star-studded cast includes Robert De Niro,  Jessica Alba (as masturbating identical twins), bad-bitch Michelle Rodriguez, home-wrecker Rose McGowen, Cheech Marin (as an ass-kicking priest), former martial arts movie star Steven Seagal, Don “Crockett” Johnson, jeff Fahey of “LOST” and a reportedly topless Lindsay Lohan.

The film swings into theaters on Sept. 3.

If illegal immigrant horror is your thing, make sure to check out Undocumented, starring Alona Tal.