German wannabe director Marc Vorlander wants you to believe that he has shot a sequel to Paul Verhoeven’s 1995 stripper-drama Showgirls. But, one look at the film’s laughably bad (but stroke-worthy) trailer and you’ll know that this project was nothing more than a ploy to score Vorlander some hot, gullible actress trim … and, for that, I applaud his efforts.

Check out the scam:

Of course, lying to desperate actresses to get them naked is nothing new. But, telling them you’re shooting a sequel to an obscure—but internet searchable—film is sheer genius.

That reminds me … ladies, this weekend I am shooting Dancing at the Blue Iguana 2. Please contact me to audition. The gig pays in false promises and semen baths.

When I first saw Star Wars as a kid, I thought Darth Vader was some kind of cool, evil robot. Six years later, Return of the Jedi revealed to me that he was just a wrinkled old white guy in a mask. I was horrified. Now, I have learned something else about the Sith Lord that is disturbing: He speaks like a pansy.

A video featuring David Prowse, the man behind the Vader mask, reading lines in his own voice has hit the web. Needless-to-say, it lacks the menacing tone of James Earl Jones.

Check it out:

Paris Hilton (House of Wax, Repo! The Genetic Opera) was photographed stepping out of her car in Hollywood with a really embarrassing case of static cling (someone get this girl some Downy). Of course, one person’s misfortune is another’s jerk-off opportunity. It is in that spirit that I post these pics.

Enjoy:

[Show as slideshow]

Brittany Daniel (The Hamiltons) is the latest addition to genre directors Colin and Greg Strause’s (Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem) upcoming sci-fi thriller Skyline. Daniel joins a ridiculously sexy cast that includes Crystal Reed (MTV’s “Teen Wolf”), Scottie Thompson (Nero’s wife in Star Trek), Kate Mara (Iron Man 2), and “Dexter’s” David Zayas (What? He’s a handsome heavyset man).

(UPDATE: SEE BRITTANY DANIEL, CRYSTAL REED, & SCOTTI THOMPSON AT THE SKYLINE WORLD PREMIERE HERE)

Kate Mara busted doing a sniff test on dirty laundry!

The story revolves around a group of friends who after a night of drunken debauchery awaken to find a bright light shining down on them that is not a policeman’s flashlight. In fact, the light is sucking people up towards the skyline. The friends must shake their hangovers and quickly find away to survive the cataclysmic event.

Scottie Thompson thinks Clatto readers are sexy (you totally bought that, didn't you)

Aliens vs. Predators really sucked donkey balls, but I’m hoping the Strause brothers have learned something since. For starters, I hope that, if this is an alien abduction flick, they keep things authentic and include plenty of scenes in which Daniel, Reed, Thompson, and Mara are anally probed by the aliens and subjected to lesbian-flavored experiments (Hey, that shit happens!).

David Zayas thinks Clatto readers are sexy too!

Skyline is currently being shot in Los Angeles.

Heavy metal villains Rob Zombie and Alice Cooper are teaming up to terrorize concertgoers in what they’re calling “The Gruesome Twosome” North American tour, kicking off on April 26 in Winnipeg, Manitoba.

Cooper states on his website:

It’s sort of like Dracula vs. Frankenstein. We’re like this generation’s classic monsters. When we’re not onstage frightening audiences, we’ll be backstage trying to scare each other.

Zombie adds:

Me and The Coop have been talking about touring together for about 15 years and finally the moment is here. This will be without a doubt a rock ‘n’ roll spooktacular for all the cool ghouls.

Zombie is touring in support of his recently released CD Hellbilly Deluxe 2. He will also headline this year’s Rockstar’s Mayhem Festival. Cooper returns to his own “Theater of Death” tour in the summer.

The announced dates for “The Gruesome Twosome” shows are as follows:

4/26 – Winnipeg, Manitoba
4/27 – Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
4/28 – Edmonton, Alberta
4/29 – Calgary, Alberta
5/01 – Vancouver, British Columbia
5/02 – Kennewick, Washington
5/04 – Casper, Wyoming

Looks like “LOST” star Matthew Fox could use a time portal right about now. Stefani Talbott, a 25-year-old Oregon stripper, is claiming that she rode the 43-year-old actor bare-back on two separate occasions last year after meeting him at the Stars Cabaret.

She crows to In Touch Weekly:

I was dancing onstage, and I made eye contact with him immediately. I got so excited. He asked me, ‘Why are you working in a place like this?’ I told him that I am a single mom and needed the money. He absolutely did not mention a wife or family, and I don’t remember him wearing a wedding ring.

Talbott alleges that Fox took her to the house he was staying at that very night and fucked her baby-hole without a jimmy hat. She has told the National Enquirer that she has in her possession incriminating voice mails and texts from the actor.

She says:

We sat around and talked about his show. He complimented me and was saying how down-to-earth I am. He told me he was going to be in town for a couple of days. He didn’t tell me to keep it a secret or anything. He didn’t even use protection. He didn’t seem concerned at all.

Fox has been married to Margherita Ronchi, a former Italian runway model, for 18 years. They have two kids. Spokespeople for Fox have dismissed Talbott’s accusations as false.

OK, has anyone stopped to think that maybe this wasn’t Fox? That maybe it was really Smokie Monster Fox? Just saying.

Twilight Saga star Robert Pattinson reveals in the March issue of Details magazine that he hates vaginas and thinks “Negroes” are too loud.

From Details:

Rob, did you know that every time you say actor or acting you lower your voice to a whisper?
He’s genuinely startled. “I do?”
Yes, so quietly it’s like you’re saying Negro.
He laughs, lightens up. “What if we were ‘acting’ like ‘Negroes’? Then we’d be fucked–we couldn’t hear anything. . . .”

Oh, no, he didn’t. I think this calls for a Million Man Movie March on Pattinson’s new rom-com Remember Me. Let the screen talking fly, my angry black brothers!

Slumdog Millionaire’s Freida Pinto is set to star in Tarsem Singh’s (The Cell) swords-and-sandals fantasy War of the Gods Immortals. The 25-year-old Indian actress and model will play Phaedra, an oracle priestess on a quest to stop an epic war between gods and men.

Freida Pinto? I don’t know about you guys, but my penis is doing a Bollywood dance number in my pants right now.

The film’s log-line reads:

A purported bastard who retains an allegiance to his mother despite the fact that he longs to join the quest of a king who is battling demons in ancient Greece later embarks on a grail of discovery that has him finding he is the king’s son and also fated to become his country’s greatest hero as he leads the successful war against long-imprisoned Titans who are hoping to use the demons to restore their power.

War of the Gods Immortals goes into production in April. Universal Pictures will handle distribution.

To read about Pinto’s new role in Rise of the Apes, go here.

Michael Jackson’s 17-minute sci-fi spectacle Captain EO returned to Disneyland today. The 3-D attraction features Jackson as the titular hero out to battle an evil witch (Angelica Huston) with nothing more than his music and crotch.

The 1986 short film was directed by Oscar-winning director Francis Ford Coppola and produced by George Lucas.

According to Disney, Captain EO will have a limited run at the theme park and will be shown three times every hour. Despite only attracting 50 people to its special 8 a.m. showing this morning, Disney expects EO to draw record crowds.

OK, we’ve reached the part of this post where I am required by blog-law to make a Jackson child molesting joke. I defer to the masters at Family Guy:

Looks like Captain Jack Sparrow may be Jacob’s newest candidate.

Sparrow’s vessel The Black Pearl has been docked on the island of Oahu, Hawaii, the same location where ABC has filmed its Emmy award-winning series “LOST” for the past six years. The fourth installment in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is set to begin shooting in the summer. Already on board for the movie are Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz.

Hmm. Well, if Sparrow loses his ship again, maybe he can find The Black Rock and get it back into shape. Both the Pirate movies and “LOST” are owned by Disney. So, here’s hoping for a cameo.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides arrives in theaters on May 20, 2011.