You have a core group of eight characters in Jurassic World: Rebirth, and the only one who dies is the Big Pharma guy who arranged the mission? Don’t we like Big Pharma post-COVID-19? There needs to be a higher body count in these Jurassic movies, especially when the majority of the characters are so unlikable. Scarlett Johansson, Mahershala Ali, and Scarlett Johansson’s boobs were the only ones Clatto cared about.

Big Pharma guy is pretty honest about the objective: obtain DNA samples from three colossal dinosaurs found on land, air, and sea in exchange for obscene amounts of money. He offers the deal to a bunch of scumbag mercenaries, led by The Merc with the Boobs (she ain’t no Private Jenette Vasquez though!).

After conning Big Pharma guy out of more money to proceed with the mission (just tape a “Kick Me” sign on the dude’s back already), they jump on board a military sea craft to carry out the expedition. Johansson wears a fitted white tank top.

Along the way, they rescue Not Pedro Pascal and his two daughters, a young one who resembles Dora the Explorer, and an older one who is kinda hot until she opens her entitled mouth. She’s brought along her boyfriend, who is a lazy, disrespectful twat. Of course, Not Pedro Pascal will grow to love him like a son because that’s what the Real Pedro Pascal would do.

Spinosauruses attack the boat, killing the Big Gun dude, who was Big Pharma guy’s only ally. The Kinda Hot Chick attempts to call for help, despite Big Pharma guy explaining the covert part of the covert mission they’re currently on. She puts up a fight and gets all pissed because Big Pharma guy lets her ungrateful ass fall in the water.

During the chaos, Johansson is wearing a fitted, green top. They crash on the shore of Île Saint-Hubert, lose another character actor, and begin their search for Dino DNA, while hoping Not Pedro Pascal and his family are okay, and sadly, they are. And continue to be. Over and over again.

Raptors, the scene stealers of the franchise, pull their “clever girl” hunting move on the obnoxious boyfriend while he takes a piss, but are thwarted by a mutated dinosaur that is a mix of Raptor and Pteranodon DNA, one of the many hybrids left abandoned on the island. The opportunity to wipe this ass-hat out was still possible if only Dilophosaurus had popped out of the trees and chomped his frank and beans off…or spat on him.

The best scene in the movie belongs to the T-Rex, who is regrettably taking a backseat to the retarded-looking D-Rex, a hybrid of the T-Rex, Xenomorph, Bella Ramsey, Eric Stoltz in Mask, and Corky from “Life Goes On.”

The mighty T-Rex chases the family down a river while they attempt to escape its jaws on a life raft. It’s thrilling, white-knuckle action that puts a big, stupid smile on our face. We only wish Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) were seated on the back of the raft, rambling on about human folly.

Meanwhile, Johansson has changed into a clingy, dark brown tank top. She and her crew collect samples from a Brontosaurus (or whatever the kids are calling them these days) as it canoodles with its mate, just about forming a heart with their long necks…WTF? You’re trying too hard, Gareth!

Later, Johansson and her team also extract DNA from an egg belonging to the colossal avian dinosaur Quetzalcoatlus, which eats a character we don’t care about despite Mahershala Ali’s sad face. They reunite with the family, who are now dragging along a cute, tiny dinosaur that resembles Cera the Triceratops from The Land Before Time. We kept hoping its mother would show up and gorge everyone in their butt-holes, but nope.

The Kinda Hot Chick still has a fossil to pick with Big Pharma guy, unaware that he’s been doomed to die a terrible death since the writers started working on their drafts at Starbucks. After Big Pharma guy meets his inevitable end, a sad and heroic death occurs, and psych! Every one of these terrible bastards is okay…and the genetic data will be made free to the global community!

We were optimistic about getting brand-new characters in Jurassic World: Rebirth. Johansson and Ali fit nicely, like tank tops on Johansson’s glistening chest. The rest would have made terrific dino dooty. In summary, Johansson’s boobs steal the show, body count is too low, but the dinosaurs rule…minus the Bella Ramsey Rex.