So, it’s New Year’s Eve and you guys are about to start drinking and having unprotected anal sex with anyone in a pointy party hat. I’d just like to remind you to please practice safe sodomy and stay the fuck out of my lane on the freeways tonight. Remember … bad things happen when you’re having fun.
Of course, killing your own blood or wiping out a family of five on the highway is cake when compared to catching crotch-rot from some floozy and/or man-whore. Keep the following PSA in mind when gang-banging with strangers this evening:
Jennifer’s Body collapsed at the box office this fall, earning only $16 million and a slew of bad reviews for its star Megan Fox and Oscar-winning writer Diablo Cody (Juno). Fox Home Entertainment has just released an unrated version of the teen horror-comedy on DVD and Blu-ray disc.
Jennifer’s Body stars Megan Fox as a high school heartbreaker turned man-eater after a fateful encounter with a band of satanists. Amanda Seyfried plays her best friend and foil.
Audio commentary from Cody and director Karyn Kusama (Aeon Flux) is featured on both DVD and Blu-ray editions. However, as is the trend now, the BD is loaded with bonus material, including cast video diaries, gag reels, deleted scenes, featurettes, and the wickedly funny Megan Fox “Peer Pressure” PSA.
I still don’t understand why you guys didn’t catch Jennifer’s Body at the theater and I’m baffled by the backlash that has befallen Fox and Cody since the film’s release.
While Fox has yet to prove her dramatic chops, she has time and again displayed an uncanny knack for humor in comedies such as Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and How to Lose Friends & Alienate People and the ABC sitcom “Hope & Faith.”
Her funniest bits, however, seem to always play out in the press. And, maybe, that’s the problem. People think she’s weird and bitchy. Of course, those people tend to have vaginas and harbor an unnatural hatred towards prettier girls with magically warm and inviting vaginas that cradle both the soul and penis in a nurturing embrace not felt since our exodus from the womb.
But, what in the world could have kept men away from Jennifer’s Body? Maybe they just wanted to see Fox naked or jumping around with a minimal amount of dialogue. Well, amigos, Cody doesn’t work that way. Jennifer’s script is chockful of pop references, quotable quips, and salty situations. The former stripper-turned-Hollywood-screenwriter is a formidable talent on par with Quentin Tarrantino and ironic-teen wordsmith Kevin Williamson (Scream, “The Vampire Dairies”). Believe it or not, this is a good thing.
I too crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow when the film was released in theaters with a PG-13 rating. But, to my surprise, Jennifer’s Body presented plenty of quality kills, fucked-up laughs, and stupidly-hot Fox action (including a stroke-worthy kiss between Fox and Seyfried).
The Unrated version, sadly, remains free of Fox nudity. But, seriously, guys … a panty-clad Fox still trumps all the naked chicks in Sorority Row.
Critics may have preferred the goth-chick-flick Coraline, but director Shane Acker’s post-apocalyptic animated-actioner 9 is cinematic cocaine for the eyes. Every frame pops with color and detailed ambiance. The characters are rich with quirk and soul. The mechanical abominations that threaten their lives are fiercely frightening and visually unsettling (in a very cool way).
The plot is straight out of Terminator: humanity has been destroyed by technology. A man of science and faith, however, manages to create and animate 9 dolls with a mysterious talisman to carry on in a future where humans are extinct. Voices are provided by Elijah Wood, Jennifer Connelly, Martin Landau, Christopher Plummer, Crispen Glover, and John C. Reilly.
DVD/Blu-ray extras include the original short the film was based on, audio commentary with Acker and animation director Joe Kasander, and making-of featurettes.
RENT: PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
Unless you’re one of the folks who registered to have their name included on the Paranormal Activity DVD, there is no reason to ever see this movie more than once. The sleeper hit of the year was produced for a reported $15,000 and went on to earn over a $100 million at the box office thanks to an ingenious online promotional campaign that suckered mainstream audiences into believing that the Paramount Pictures’ release was the most frightening movie ever lensed. It’s not.
The film’s docu-styled presentation is a neat hook reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project and its cast, namely newcomers Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston, are completely believable and charming in their roles, but the film adds up to an hour of relentless jaw-jabbering and shaky cam action. The spooky stuff is about 20 minutes worth of footage spread out during the film’s 86 minute run.
Both DVD and Blu-ray disc include the film’s original ending. A digital copy comes along with the BD.
RENT: PERFECT GETAWAY
Been here, done that. There isn’t much new ground covered in writer/director David Twohy’s (The Arrival) survival-thriller A Perfect Getaway. Horror enthusiasts will see the twist coming long before the characters do. That said, Getaway is pure fun, thanks in part to its stellar cast and exotic local.
The story is set in Hawaii and revolves around three vacationing couples caught up in a murder spree. Super sexy Milla Jovovich is at her ass-kicking best and Timothy Olyphant pulls out the stops as a menacing, but charming, outdoors man. “Lost” fans will recognize Kiele Sanchez as Olyphant’s rough-and-tumble wife. But, its Steve Zahn who steals the show as Jovovich’s on-edge husband.
Extras are slim on both DVD and BD. Both home editions include trailers and an Unrated Director’s Cut which doesn’t add up to any extra Jovovich or Sanchez nudity—just a minute of extra filler.
I don’t really understand what cycling and Star Trek have to do with one another, but then again I am a Star Wars fan. Regardless, I figure the boobs on display will help Trekkie boners live long and prosper. As for you ladies, well … it appears that these dude’s klingons are smaller than a womp rat’s cock.
If you’ve caught Sherlock Holmes at the theaters, then you’ve probably seen the new trailer for Chris Nolan’s upcoming sci-fi head-scratcher Inception. The new promo features narration from star Leonardo DiCaprio and a few more shots of mind-bending goodness.
However, if you were in the lobby buying some Skittles and pop and missed the trailer, I’ve got ya covered. Check it out:
Inception costars Ellen Page (Hard Candy), Joseph Gordan-Levitt (Halloween H2O), Cillian Murphy (Red Eye), Marion Cotillard (Big Fish), Ken Watanabe (Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant), Tom Hardy (Star Trek: Nemesis), and Michael Cain (The Dark Knight).
76-year-old actress Zelda Rubinstein has been taken off life support after suffering lung and kidney failure while at Cedars Sinai hospital in Los Angeles. The four-foot actress, best known for her portrayal of medium Tangina Barrons in the Poltergeist series, has been at the hospital for over a month.
I grew up on the Poltergeist movies and, to this day, still quote Rubinstein’s character.
“There is no death. It is only a transition to a different sphere of consciousness.” – Tangina Barrons
James Cameron may not give a piss about the people that pay their hard earned money to watch his epic cinematic jerkoffs, but those bootlegging his films for a quick buck certainly do. Bootleggers everywhere have stepped up their game to give customers the best Avatar movie watching experience possible … without paying full price.
Word on the web is that actress Mila Kunis loves murder and mystery just as much as you sick fucks. The star of Darren Aronofsky’s upcoming thriller Black Swan apparently enjoys watching horror movies before visiting celebrity murder sites during the midnight hour.
One of my friends has a whole giant book of famous murders that happened in L.A., everything from the Valley to Orange County to Malibu. When we do these murder nights, we watch movies, then we drive around at midnight, all around to these murder houses and take photos and we recreate the murder scenes. It’s really twisted and weird.
We went to the Black Dahlia house… We went by the Hillside Strangler’s place and the Playboy model who was murdered by her ex-husband (Dorothy Stratten); that house looks exactly the same now as it does in the murder book… It’s just creepy. That house gives us bad vibes every time we’re there. We should stop going.
Wonder if Kunis has been hitting the Brittany Murphy house. According to TMZ, Murphy’s residence has been added as a destination point on the Hollywood Haunted Tours.
Imagine living during a viral pandemic that forces everyone to stay inside their homes forever. If you step out, you die. Sure, it sounds dismal. But, would it really be all bad? Think about it. You could start up your own blog! You could communicate through instant messenger and avoid all social gatherings. You could sit around in your underwear. If you’re married with kids, they’d be forced to eat dinner with you and partake in family UNO night … sounds OK to me.
The folks at Kelly Blumetti Entertainment Group, however, see things differently. Take a look at their upcoming viral-outbreak thriller 2084 :
The official synopsis reads:
Not much left since the world died. That’s what they called it the day the virus took over and people went inside, never to leave their homes again. Soon after that, the last of the food was gone, the last drop of gas was used up, the government collapsed. Chaos… on a global scale.
2084 is written and directed by George Blumetti and Maurice Kelly and stars Billy West (”Futurama”), Betsy Baker (Evil Dead), Matthew Alan (Project Fear), Jaimi Paige (Crimson). To learn more, visit here.
James Cameron recently shot down a fan’s autograph request while leaving LAX. The 55-year-old director refused to sign an Avatar poster for the fan and called him an “asshole” when approached a second time.
After the initial shock, the fan called Cameron on his bullshit attitude by stating:
I’m an asshole because I ask someone I admire for their autograph that makes me an asshole? I make $15-an-hour at work to go see your film and I’m an asshole?
TMZ captured the entire fucked up ordeal. Take a look:
Man, it’s good to see that actor Jude Law took some time away from banging hot chicks to shoot some quality fare last year. I’m told he’s a scene stealer in Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes reboot. However, I’m most excited about his turn in Universal Pictures sci-fi, organ-harvesting actioner Repo Men, arriving in theaters on April 2, 2010.
The synopsis reads:
In the futuristic action-thriller Repo Men, humans have extended and improved our lives through highly sophisticated and expensive mechanical organs created by a company called The Union. The dark side of these medical breakthroughs is that if you don’t pay your bill, The Union sends its highly skilled repo men to take back its property…with no concern for your comfort or survival.
Jude Law plays Remy, one of the best organ repo men in the business. But when he suffers a cardiac failure on the job, he awakens to find himself fitted with the company’s top-of-the-line heart-replacement…as well as a hefty debt. But a side effect of the procedure is that his heart’s no longer in the job. When he can’t make the payments, The Union sends its toughest enforcer, Remy’s former partner Jake (Academy Award® winner Forest Whitaker), to track him down.
Now that the hunter has become the hunted, Remy joins Beth (Alice Braga), another debtor who teaches him how to vanish from the system. And as he and Jake embark on a chase across a landscape populated by maniacal friends and foes, one man will become a reluctant champion for thousands on the run.
Now check out the red-band trailer. If it doesn’t get your heart pumping, you may need one of them Union transplants.