The CW announced today early renewals for its popular horror-themed television shows “The Vampire Diaries” and “Supernatural.” Both series perform phenomenally well with horny women ages 18-to-34, giving the network its highest ratings.

(UPDATE: Want to meet the cast of “The Vampire Diaries” at Paleyfest 2010? Go here for more info)

The following is the CW’s official press release:

The series receiving early renewals include this season’s breakout hit THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, The CW’s most-watched show (4.6 million viewers) and the network’s number one show among adults 18-34 (2.5/8).

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES premiere generated the largest audience in network history for a series debut (5.7 million total viewers). THE VAMPIRE DIARIES has improved The CW’s performance Thursday at 8:00 p.m. by 114% among women 18-34 this season.

The network also renewed fan favorite SUPERNATURAL, which will enter its sixth season next year. SUPERNATURAL has one of the most loyal audiences of any show on television and does heroic work in a perennially tough time period.  It has improved over last season among women and adults 18-34 (29% and 8%, respectively) this season, a remarkable accomplishment for a fifth-year show.

“The Vampire Diaries” stars Nina Dobrev, Paul Wesley, and Ian Somerhalder, known to those of us without vaginas as Boone on ABC’s “LOST.” Created by Kevin Williamson, producer of “Dawson’s Creek” and the scribe behind the innovative Scream films, “Diaries” follows a high school girl’s complicated love triangle with two vampire suitors … who happen to be brothers.

To see photos of the cast’s recent meet-and-greet with fans in Los Angeles, click here.

“The Vampire Diaries” and “Supernatural” both picked up People’s Choice awards this year for Favorite New TV Drama and Favorite Sci-Fi/Fantasy Show, respectively.

Alessandra Torresani is the 22-year-old star of the Syfy network’s new “Battlestar Galactica” spinoff series “Caprica.” She’s also kind of a nut. But that’s to be expected when your parents pimp you out as a child-stripper-whore to close business deals with Asian clients.

(See Alessandra dance in sexy video here)

In an interview with Wired, she reveals:

I made my mom buy me lingerie when I was 5 years old. I was a sicko. My mother must have been mortified.

When I was 6, my dad had this huge business meeting, millionaire Asian businessmen came over to our house. I dressed up in this sexy bra, this big fur hat, the red lips, the fake eye lashes. I had my mom go, “Would you please join us in the living room?” and there I was laying on top of the baby grand piano and my 6-year-old neighbor Thomas started playing “Hello Dolly” and I started singing and lifting my legs, doing these kicks.

Then I’d go around and sit on the men’s laps. Let me tell you, my dad closed every deal because of that — these men were fascinated that this little girl came out of this guy and this woman. It was the funniest thing.

Yes, funny in a creepy, most likely illegal, definitely immoral, way.

Torresani’s parents make actress Thora Birch’s folks look like the damn Cleavers. What’s the deal with these Hollywood families? Oh, well, I think it was Michael Jackson who once said, “If they’re old enough to crawl, they’re already in the right position.”

Man, this chick just looks crazy.

Torresani plays Zoe Graystone, the 16-year-old daughter of Cylon creator Daniel Graystone, on the program, airing Friday nights on SyFy.

Paris Hilton (House of Wax, Repo! The Genetic Opera) was in Rio de Janeiro over the weekend to partake in the city’s Carnaval festivities and to promote Devassa beer. Now, I don’t know what they put in that Brazilian brew, but Hilton is looking quite busty in the photos that have surfaced.

Here’s hoping she eats a few more burritos to plump up her backside too.

Check out the pics:

[Show as slideshow]

The Twilight Saga star Robert Pattinson announces in the March issue of Details magazine (available Feb. 23) that he has a strong aversion to vaginas. In the interview, the 23-year-old cock-gobbler actor complains about having to be stuck at a photo shoot with nude fashion models.

He says:

I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.

In related news, millions of tween girls have now sewn up their pussies and are waiting to die.

Vaginas. Why did it have to be vaginas?

I do wonder, however, if Pattinson has always hated vaginas or was it Kristen Stewart’s baby-hole that has him running scared? Judging from her slovenly appearance in media photos, I imagine she has Buckwheat in a headlock down there.

Check out the following pictures of Pattinson and the offending vaginas:

[Show as slideshow]

Is busty actress Thora Birch a part-time prostitute in real life? An interesting blind item (translation: unconfirmed gossip) circulating the web seems to think so.

The rumor (originally posted on CDaN) hints:

This Golden Globe nominee/winner actress is probably C list. Despite the Golden Globe nod and being in one of the more famous movies of the past 20 years, she doesn’t get much attention. She does however have a very, very kinky sex life. She has been known to hire herself out as an escort for the night. She doesn’t do it for money. She does it for the thrill. She uses different photos in her ad and will throw on a wig when she goes to see the client. It probably would have stayed a secret except her loser ex-boyfriend who she supported has a big mouth.

According to those speculating on the site’s message board, the actress in question is most likely 27-year-old American Beauty starlet Thora Birch. The fact that TMZ hasn’t broke this story makes me think it’s crap, but the idea that Birch is renting out those fun bags is just too awesome to not jerk-of to think about.

American Beauties

Birch, whose parents were porn star degenerates during the ’70s (among their credits: Deep Throat), was nominated for a Golden Globe award for her performance in the 2001 dramedy Ghost World, costarring Scarlett Johansson. Since then, she has been slumming it in the straight-to-DVD market, appearing in Dark Corners, Train and the Brittany Murphy vehicle Deadline.

A 2007 Celebrity Gossip report provides a stroke-worthy disturbing aside to this story:

The American Beauty star was filming “The Winter of Frozen Dreams” when manager/father Jack Birch insisted on watching the filming of her sex scenes with Dean Winters. Even though it is industry standard to only film sex scenes on a closed set, Birch Sr. demanded to be present during the “getting freaky” times. Apparently the crew on the set was absolutely horrified.  “It was so wrong,” said one insider. “The director is saying, ‘Harder! Faster!’ and the father is giving Winters the thumbs up.

Hmm. Questionable parenting. Career in the dumps. Could this story be true?

(UPDATE: THORA BIRCH IS PROBABLY FUCKING HER CREEPY MANAGER DAD)

Jedi and padawans engaged in a lightsaber battle royal this weekend at the Bristols Cabot Circus mall in Bristol, England. The event drew over 100 ____ (pick one: A. Virgins B. Misfits C. Super lucky Star Wars fans).

Check out the action:

This just looks like a freaking blast to me. Sadly, the British wankers participating are about as vicious as a group of nerf-herders. If I had been there, I would have totally unleashed Order 66 on their limey asses.

Want more Star Wars fun? Check out these Star Wars Strippers or learn about weather conditions in the SW galaxy here.

The air in Canoga Park was thick with teeny-bopper pheromones this evening as the cast of the CW’s hit television series “The Vampire Diaries” swooped inside the Westfield Topanga Mall to meet-and-greet fans of the show.

(UPDATE: Want to meet the cast of “The Vampire Diaries” at Paleyfest 2010? Click here for more info)

Tween-retailer Hot Topic hosted the event which brought “Diaries” stars Nina Dobrev, Paul Wesley, and Ian Somerhalder face-to-acne-riddled-face with thousands of loyal viewers. Much to my dismay, I could not attend the event because I have a penis.

However, my good friend Girard from Hills of Woodland made it down to the signing in hopes of having Somerhalder autograph his chest, which coincidentally is adorned with a Dharma Initiative tattoo (Somerhalder played Boone on the ABC sci-fi series “LOST”).

Girard writes:

It looked to me like everyone was pretty excited, and the people coming out of Hot Topic with autographs and such seemed very pleased.  I didn’t get to see any of the cast members myself, which is a bummer. I didn’t stick around for A Fine Frenzy’s performance, but hopefully it went well.

“The Vampire Diaries” is writer-producer Kevin Williamson’s (Scream, “Dawson’s Creek”) adaptation of L.J. Smith’s popular novel series of the same name for the CW television network. The show follows high-schooler Elena Gilbert as she’s courted by two vampire brothers.

To see more photos, visit Hills of Woodland.

MTV kicks off its new “Saturday Night Horror” program tonight at 10 p.m. with a presentation of director Jaume Collet-Serra’s (Orphan) House of Wax remake. The film stars Elisha Cuthbert, Paris Hilton, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Jared Padalecki, Jon Abrahams and Robert Richard.

House of Wax got pretty lousy reviews when it hit theaters back in 2005, but it’s actually a pretty good movie to watch on TV (unless the good parts are seriously edited). The kills are violent. The story is engaging enough. And, the pacing is just right.

No nudity, sadly, from Cuthbert and Hilton (not that MTV would show that anyway), but they look hot anyway. Hilton haters will also get a kick out of her brutally sweet death scene.

CBS has announced that actress Beau Garrett will play the female lead in their currently untitled “Criminal Minds” spinoff series. Garret will play a tough FBI rookie agent named Gina under the employ of Forest Whitaker’s rogue agent Cooper. Her character will be introduced during an episode of “Criminal Minds” in the spring.

Garrett’s film creds include the superhero blockbuster 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer and the indie survival-horror gem Turistas, costarring Olivia Wilde. She and Wilde can also be seen in Disney’s upcoming reboot Tron: Legacy, due out in Dec.

The “Criminal Minds” spinoff is scheduled to debut in the fall with Richard Shepard directing from a script by Chris Mundy.

Scream of the Bikini is a kitschy ode to the spy films of the ’60s. Directed by Fernando Fernandez, if that is his real name (According to IMDB it’s not), the film follows two supermodels-turned-spies on their bikini-clad quest to bring down terrorist outfit S.I.A.D.

While I am a huge fan of bikinis, I don’t really care for these type of flicks. That’s not to say Scream of the Bikini sucks. Judging by the film’s trailer and website, it’s apparent a lot of effort has gone into producing something fun for fans of its genre. What’s caught my attention, however, is the casting of actress Kelsey Wedeen.

Fans of the After Dark’s annual 8 Films to Die For film-fest may recognize Wedeen as one of the leads in the 2007 entry Lake Dead. The 30-year-old California native can also be seen in the straight-to-DVD frighteners The Curse of the Forty-Niner, where she starred opposite Jeff Conoway and Karen Black, and the survival-horror indie Detour.

While none of these films is very good, Wedeen displays believable acting talent and is pretty damn easy on the eyes. In other words, exactly the kind of hot chick you serial-killers-in-training love to see tormented. Let’s hope her next project finds her back in peril … preferably while in a bikini.

Scream of the Bikini begins its limited theatrical run on Feb. 19.