2012
11.23

Happy Thanksgiving: Ten of the Tastiest Babes in Cannibal Horror!

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As I sat down to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with family, friends and invited guests, I wondered what would happen if the turkey fell to the floor and we all had to eat each other to satiate our hunger and salvage the holiday. One look at Uncle Muertos ripping into a drumstick and I was petrified with fear.

I calmed myself by thinking up a list of the Ten Tastiest Babes in Cannibal Horror (hey, being a cannibal doesn’t mean you can’t have taste). About the list: it excludes actresses in zombie and vampire flicks, sticking only to human cannibal features. It’s also pulled out of my ass so feel free to add your own names!

(For additional Turkey Day fun, check out Clatto’s exclusive interview with girl-on-girl cannibal site Muki’s Kitchen and Clatto’s list of the Five Most Diabolical Dinner Parties in Horror.)

Now, dig in:

10. BAI LING (DUMPLINGS)

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Because who doesn’t like Chinese? Dumplings finds Bai Ling playing Aunt Mei,  a chef who uses the unborn fetuses from an abortion clinic to whip up a special dish of dumplings meant to rejuvenate a rich, aging woman whose husband has taken up with a young masseuse.

The role won her the the Hong Kong Film Award for Best Supporting Actress in 2004. Ling is best known in the U.S. for playing psycho hooker Ria in Crank: High Voltage and bad-girl Myca in The Crow. She will next be seen in The Asylum’s Age of the Hobbits.

9. CAPEL KANE (DISMAL)

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Capel Kane is one in a group of college kids out to earn some extra credit for science class by taking a field trip to the Great Dismal Swamp. Class is soon dismissed and dismembered when swamp cannibals show up for dinner.

Kane is a Dramatic Arts major from North Carolina who enjoys watching guys play PS3 on a first date, wearing trashy lingerie and listening to Weird Al… OK, I made those last things up, but not a lot is known about Kane and I like to assume the best of people.

8. KERI RUSSELL (GRIMM LOVE)

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Grimm Love is based on the true story of Armin Meiwes, a gay German man who was sentenced to life imprisonment after slaughtering and eating Bernd-Jürgen Brandes, a willing victim he met in an internet chatroom.

Though neither cannibal nor victim, Keri Russell is the flick’s biggest treat. The “Felicity” star, who will next be seen in Blumhouse Productions’s creepy alien abduction thriller Dark Skies, plays a lovelorn Criminal Psychology student obsessed with the case and the romantic relationship between the two men.

7. VERONICA RICCI (CANNIBAL BLOOD GIRL)

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When she’s not doing God’s work as a lesbian porn star, Veronica Ricci (Play with My Pussy) is scaring guys stiff with roles in low-budget horror films. Cannibal Blood Girl is one of five short films featured in the anthology Theater of the Deranged.

Ricci plays one of two girls taken by a group of guys to the isolated house where they once raped and murdered porn star Sophie Dee, who is now back from the dead and ready to claim her pound of flesh and eat it too.

6. CHARLIZE THERON (THE ROAD)

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Dimension Film’s The Road is based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by No Country for Old Men author Cormac McCarthy, and follows a father and his son as they navigate the apocalypse, avoiding droves of hungry cannibals.

Charlize Theron plays the father’s wife and boy’s mother, a suicidal woman fed up with living life on the run.

Theron was seen this year in Ridley Scott’s Prometheus and the dude who ate out Kristen Stewart’s Snow White and the Huntsman. Memorable genre creds include The Devil’s Advocate, Aeon Flux, The Astronaut’s Wife, Trapped and Monster, for which she won an Academy Award for Best Actress.

5. ELIZA DUSHKU (WRONG TURN)

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A freak accident on an isolated mountain road sends Eliza Dushku and her friends out in search of help. What they find are hillbilly cannibals on the hunt for human flesh. Her friends are dead meat from the start, but Dushku puts the ravenous rednecks through the ringer during one of horror’s best cat-and-mouse sequences.

Dushku made her horror film debut opposite Casey Affleck in 2001’s Soul Suvivors. She is best known for her work with geek messiah Joss Whedon, namely the TV series “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “Angel” and “Tru Calling.”

4. KAITLYN LEEB (WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS)

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With its shocking gore and girl-on-girl action between costars Kaitlyn Leeb and Tanika Davis, Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings is an emotional ride for your penis. It’s also a prequel to one of the bloodiest horror franchises around.

Leeb, who starred as Mary the three-breasted hooker in the Total Recall remake, is one in a group of college kids who seek shelter in an abandoned asylum during a nasty snow storm. There they meet Eliza Dushku’s old buddies Three-Finger, One-Eye and Saw-Tooth.

Leeb will next be seen starring opposite Jason Momoa (”Game of Thrones”) in screenwriter David Hayter’s (The Scorpion King) directorial debut Wolves.

3. ALEXANDRA DADDARIO (TEXAS CHAINSAW 3-D)

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Texas Chainsaw 3-D is a sequel to Tobe Hooper’s 1974 classic about a family of cannibals. Set decades after the events of the original film, it finds New York stunner Alexandra Daddario inheriting Leatherface’s old home from a grandmother she didn’t know she had.

Daddario came to fame as goddess Athena’s demigod daughter, Annabeth Chase, in the fantasy-adventure Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Horror fans, however, first took note of the 26-year-old in Stevan Mena’s gruesome slasher Bereavement and HBO’s “True Detective.”

2. DIORA BAIRD (TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING)

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Model-turned-actress Diora Baird and her 32-DD’s made their horror film debut in Platinum Dunes’ 2006 prequel The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. The Miami-born starlet suffers a brutal death in the film, but her mammaries live on long after the end credits have rolled.

Baird’s notable creds include Ghost House Pictures’ vampire-frightener 30 Days of Night: Dark Days and director Adam Gierasch’s Night of the Demons remake, in which she experiences demonic possession through anal sex.

1. JESSICA BIEL (TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE)

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Jessica Biel tops the list with her 2003 genre debut The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a remake of Tobe Hooper’s 1974 classic that pits Biel against Leatherface and his family of man-eating miscreants. With only her skintight jeans and clingy, midriff-baring top to protect her, Biel battles the baddies for 98-minutes of white-knuckle fun.

Biel is coming off French director Pascal Laugier’s (Martyrs) English language feature debut The Tall Man and Len Wiseman’s (Underworld) Total Recall reboot. She’ll next be seen in Fox Searchlight’s Hitchcock, a biopic on the master of suspense, his relationship with his wife and the making of Psycho .

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