2010
06.08

12 Heroes in Horror/Sci-Fi That Won’t Make You Feel Like an Asshole!

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Ever sat in a theater during a movie and wondered if you had what it takes to be a hero? If shit hit the fan, would you fight the monster and steer the ship to safety? Would you save the girl and outrun the fireball? Would you go back for that fallen comrade who is infected with a viral disease?

Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

If some deranged killer murdered my loved ones as I watched, I wouldn’t tie on a cape and scour the streets for villains. Nor would I dive into the fiery pits of hell to save humankind (good luck getting me to leave the house when it’s over 80 degrees outside).

If Morpheus had asked me to choose between the red pill of truth or the blue pill of ignorance, I would have popped the blue and sat back to watch HBO. Does that make me an asshole?

Thankfully, not all movie heroes are goody-two-shoe showoffs or tormented avengers. Some are just guys like you and me, looking to make it through the day with a little bit of stripper-money.

The following is a list of horror, sci-fi, and fantasy heroes guaranteed not to make you feel like an asshole. They are ranked in order of relatability.

12. CAPT. MALCOLM REYNOLDS (NATHAN FILLION, “FIREFLY,” SERENITY)

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“Browncoat” Malcolm Reynolds, a platoon sergeant in the 57th Overlanders, fought in the Unification Wars against the Alliance, a governing union formed by the U.S. and China to control a new star system in the year 2517.

Reynolds’ side lost. But, rather than bow down to the powers that be, he bought himself a ship (the Serenity), put together a crew, and lived outside the system as a goods smuggler.

Bucking the system to make your own way is never easy, but teaming up with free-thinkers (your drinking buddies) and arming yourselves with guns makes it a lot easier.

11. SCOTT PILGRIM (MICHAEL CERA, SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD)

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Awkward geek and aspiring musician Scott Pilgrim must defeat his paramour’s seven evil ex-boyfriends in arcade-styled battles to maintain access to her vaginal charms.

His foes will include vegan rockers, twisted twins, lesbian ninjas, and skateboarders.

While that’s quite an interesting roster of former beaus, they’re not nearly as frightening as your girlfriend’s ex’s: herpes carrier, second-generation cousin, and donkey-dicked black guy.

10. DET. DAVID CREEGAN (JEFFREY DONOVAN, “TOUCHING EVIL”)

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After taking a bullet to the head, Det. David Creegan loses the part of his brain that provides him with common sense and impulse control. His erratic behavior alienates those around him and makes it difficult for his coworkers to tolerate him, despite the fact that he remains the best dick on the force.

While the short-lived series, produced by the Hughes Brothers (Book of Eli, From Hell), revolved around apprehending vicious criminals, I believe Creegan’s condition was a metaphor for all of us who drink heavily on the job.

9. WESLEY GIBSON (JAMES MCAVOY, WANTED)

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A hero for the Dilbert set, Wesley Gibson transforms from meek office-drone and cuckold (his live-in girlfriend is fucking his best friend) to elite assassin with supernatural abilities when he meets the aptly named Fox (Angelina Jolie), an insanely gorgeous, but emotionally scarred, femme fatal who takes him under her wing.

While chances are there is absolutely nothing remotely special about you, Wesley shows us that all you need is a psycho-bitch girlfriend with daddy issues to make you feel like a superman.

8. ASH WILLIAMS (BRUCE CAMPBELL, EVIL DEAD TRILOGY)

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In the span of three Evil Dead films, Ash had his sister raped by evil trees, beheaded his girlfriend with a shovel, amputated his hand while battling possession, and led King Arthur’s men against the armies of darkness in Medieval England.

And, through it all, he remained groovy.

Ash was never meant to be a hero and it shows. Easily rattled, put-upon, and rash (”Clatto, Verata, … Necktie!”), he succeeds through trial-and-error—lots of error. And, that’s what makes him a man, dammit!

7. TALLAHASSEE (WOODY HARRELSON, ZOMBIELAND)

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Unlike Ash, Tallahassee loves slaughtering the undead about as much as he loves Twinkies. Be it with a shotgun or a banjo, he delivers every deathblow with such gusto it make us wish we were living in a zombie apocalypse.

Tallahassee reminds us that the best way to survive all of life’s hardships is to simply employ the old idiom “When life hands you Snowballs, kill something.”

6. DEXTER MORGAN (MICHAEL C. HALL, “DEXTER”)

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Killing is Dexter Morgan’s business. When he’s not analyzing blood-splatter for the Miami Metro Police Department, he’s wrapping fuckers up in plastic and hacking their bodies to pieces.

Admit it. In the course of any given day, you will daydream about killing certain people. Maybe it’s your wife, the kids, the guy driving too slow in front of you, the guy driving to fast behind you, your ungrateful boss, the coworker that texts while attempting to carry on a conversation with you, or that asshole cop that doesn’t seem to understand that you really do drive better when you’re drunk.

By the time you make it home to watch “Dexter”, you’re thirsty for blood and hungry to see some deserving ass-clowns get their comeuppances. Of course, Morgan’s code only allows him to target other serial killers. But, that’s OK. Every hero has his flaws.

5. FOX “SPOOKY” MULDER (DAVID DUCHOVNY, “THE X-FILES”)

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While most FBI agents focus their time on finding missing kids and terrorist cells (yawn), Fox Mulder searched for the truth … and porn. As head of The X-Files, Mulder often chased his own tail while trying to uncover government conspiracies and investigate paranormal activity. The cases were often frightening and always frustrating for our hero.

Mulder eased his tension by watching skin-flicks and flirting with his better-looking-as-the-seasons-passed partner Dana Scully. But, his determination to find the truth about UFOs and government cover-ups eventually led to his own abduction, imprisonment, and the God-awful movie sequel X-Files: I Want to Believe.

If we can learn one thing from Mulder, it is to not take our jobs too seriously. Yes, the truth is out there—but, so are girl-on-donkey sex videos.

4. JAMES “SAWYER” FORD (JOSH HOLLOWAY, “LOST”)

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Conman James “Sawyer” Ford is good-looking, charming, and courageous—everything your wife/girlfriend wishes you were. So, why is he on this list? Because those traits are just part of a long con. Underneath that easy-going cowboy exterior is an impulsive, short-tempered man who wants to do good, but realizes doing such often ends with a kick to the teeth. Starting to sound like someone ya know yet, doc?

Sure, by the series finale, Sawyer had matured into a still-flawed, but caring, leader and found redemption through his unfaltering love for soul-mate Juliette. But, before then, he killed the man responsible for his parents’ murder-suicide, kept guns, meds, and porn from his fellow castaways, murdered the guy that blew up his raft (Tom Friendly), and bedded Jack’s girl Kate.

And, he still got into heaven.

3. HAN SOLO (HARRISON FORD, ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY)

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As a former-smuggler/gambler who’s not afraid to shoot first, Han Solo is the antithesis of goody-two-shoes Luke Skywalker. His involvement with the rebel alliance only came forth as a means to get paid—first to take Obi-Wan & Luke to Alderaan, and then to rescue Princess Leia.

Of course, his involvement with Leia soon led him to partake in rebel plots to overthrow the Empire, which subsequently left him frozen in carbonite in The Empire Strikes Back and, worse, subjected him to singing Ewoks in Return of the Jedi . But, if you’ve seen Leia rock a metal-bikini, you know he did it all for the wookie nookie.

Every guy does things he knows he shouldn’t to get some leg. It may not involve navigating the Millennium Falcon through a sea of Imperial fleets or fighting off stormtroppers with your dog, but sitting next to your girl at the latest Amanda Seyfried rom-com counts.

2. CAPT. JACK SPARROW (JOHNNY DEPP, PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN TRILOGY)

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Captain Jack Sparrow is a pirate in a Disney movie so murder and rape are absent from his repertoire. But, that doesn’t mean the old salty stays out of trouble.

A womanizer and a drunk, Sparrow’s adventures are usually triggered by reckless fancy. In the span of three films, he has lost his ship (The Black Pearl), his mind, and even his soul. But, of course, he always comes out on top … and with some good drinking stories to boot.

And, that’s the lesson Sparrow teaches us: Taking chances and being heroic is always best to do when you’re too drunk to make proper judgment calls.

1. HUGO “HURLEY” REYES (JORGE GARCIA, “LOST”)

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After being tormented for years by bad luck, insanity, ghost-whispering, and Sawyer’s fat-jokes, Hurley finally ascended to hero status as protector of the island in the series finale of “LOST.” And, he did so without dropping a single pound of weight!

Despite being surrounded by good looking guys (Sawyer, Boone), tough guys (Locke, Sayid), and smart guys (Jack, Faraday), Hurley proved that sometimes all it takes to be a hero is, like, compassion, dude.

So, skip the gym, burn all your books, and go on and enjoy a bag of Doritos with a bucket of ranch dressing.  Just be good to those around you, Jumbotron.

And, don’t forget to check out these lists:

The Ten Sexiest Horror Films of 2010

The 20 Hottest Women Working in Horror/Sci-Fi Today: Part Two (#10-thr-#1)

The 20 Hottest Women Working in Horror/Sci-Fi Today: Part One (#20-thru-#11)

The 11 Sexiest Maneater Babes in Horror/Sci-fi

The 10 Hottest Horror/Sci-Fi Babes of the Past Decade

15 Vampire Movies That Won’t Make You Gay

The 5 Most Diabolical Dinners in Horror


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