Artist and human drug Perry Farrell once sang “Some people should die. That’s just unconscious knowledge.” It is in that spirit that Clatto presents a list of five horror victims who deserved to die. These stiffs aren’t monsters nor killing machines. They’re just average folks who were done in by extraordinary circumstances … and rightfully so! Don’t forget to add your picks in the comments section, you shy bastards.
(Note: This was meant to be Clatto’s “Deaths to be Thankful For” Thanksgiving Day post. Damn that indigestion!)
5. RITA BENNETT (”DEXTER”)
Portrayed by the gorgeous and often nude Julie Benz, mother-of-two Rita Bennett had survived an abusive marriage before marrying and having a son with Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall)—blood spatter analyst for the Miami Metro Police Department and notorious serial killer-at-large.
Rita’s bloody death at the hands of the Trinity Killer (John Lithgow) in season four of the Showtime hit was brutally heart-ripping and completely unexpected, making it one of TV’s most memorable tragedies. Why, then, does the death of this loving mother and wife make our list of deaths to be thankful for?
Well aside from being ungrateful to Dexter for getting rid of her abusive ex, forcing him to attend Narcotics Anonymous, and inadvertently pushing him into the legs of psycho-bitch Lila Tournay (Jaime Murray), Rita had become a nag. She spent the majority of season four busting Dexter’s balls about his whereabouts, even going as far as to show up to his workplace to confront him about her concerns.
Was her behavior realistic? You bet. Rita acted like any normal person would have if dating/married to someone who is as aloof and guarded as Dex. Nonetheless, for those of watching the drama, she had become a nuisance, often getting in the way of the more enthralling aspects of the show.
4. TODD (HOSTEL 2)
Alpha-bully Todd (Richard Burgi) and his meek BFF Stuart (Roger Bart) are American businessmen out to join the Elite Hunting Club in Slovakia for their once-in-a-lifetime chance to maim and murder pretty girls. Todd is especially eager to get his kill on up until he accidentally shreds victim Whitney Keye’s (Bijou Phillips) face off with a circular saw and is repulsed by the sight.
Unlike Stuart, who taps into some genuinely repressed misogynistic rage, Todd is revealed to have been nothing more than a blowhard jock-type who lacked the balls to backup his heman/woman-hater assertions. He refuses to kill Whitney and is ripped apart by ravenous guard dogs as he attempts to flee the premises.
Stuart, who buys Whitney at a discounted price and decapitates her, suffers a much worse demise at the hand of her friend Beth Salinger (Lauren German). The scene is brutal and meant to be the film’s primo comeuppance moment, but Todd’s death is far more gratifying in the wake of his empty tough-guy posturing.
3. CARTER BURKE (ALIENS)
Weyland-Yutani representative Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) convinces Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver)—awakened from a 57-year hyper-sleep—to guide him and a group of Colonial Marines back to the alien infested colony of LV426 to investigate what has led to a loss of communication between the company and the new terraforming colony.
Burke’s hidden agenda—to bring back alien eggs to sell as potential biological weapons—is exposed by Ripley, who puts the kibosh on his plans. Burke responds by locking Ripley and child survivor Newt (Carrie Henn) in a room with face-hugger, figuring he can bring back an undetected specimen inside one of their bodies.
The plan goes awry and Burke soon finds himself cornered by Ripley and the marines. A fortuitous alien attack allows Burke to flee. He locks a door behind him and leaves everyone to fend for themselves. This is the point in the film where most viewers get royally pissed.
Of course, Burke is on his own after his act of cowardice and must navigate his escape through a complicated series of corridors. He does so … right into the bone-crushing jaws of an alien.
2. SARAH (THE DESCENT 2)
After stabbing her friend Juno (Natalie Mendoza) in the leg and leaving her behind to be eaten alive by the humanoid creatures living inside the unmapped cave system they set out to explore, Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) is forced by law enforcement to return to the Appalachian Mountains of North America to help rescuers find the bodies of her five dead friends in this equally suspenseful sequel to Neil Marshall’s 2005 hit The Descent.
After ditching the search party to find her own way out, Sarah eventually runs into Juno, who—two days after the initial ordeal—is still very much alive. A quick recap: Sarah left Juno to die because she discovered Juno was banging her husband and had left their friend Beth (Alex Reid) to die after accidentally hooking a pick axe in her throat during a fight with the creatures.
The duo go to blows before redirecting their energies towards finding an escape from the caves. Sadly, upon reaching an exit, both girls are swarmed by the creatures and meet their doom. Now, while Juno’s death is tragic, Sarah’s is much deserved for having intentionally and maliciously wounded Juno in an act of opportunistic vengeance.
1. MICAH (PARANORMAL ACTIVITY)
When Micah (Micah Sloat) discovers that his girlfriend Katie (Katie Featherson) is being haunted by a demon hellbent on possessing her soul, he takes it as an opportunity to videotape every minute of their lives. While the footage he captures in the bedroom on a tripod is genuinely creepy, about an hour’s worth of the film’s 90-minute run time features Micah acting like a typical YouTube-happy douche bag on shaky-cam.
His antics soon upset Katie, anger the demon, and cause vomiting in about a 1/4 of moviegoers.