2013
01.07

The 10 Sexiest Horror Films of 2012

Happy First Week of the New Year! OK… I’m late to the party, but I bring with me Clatto’s picks for the 10 Sexiest Horror Films of 2012! As always, feel free to play along and add your own sick and twisted selections to the list. You can also peep the lists for 2011 and 2010 should you prefer the classics.

Enjoy!

10. 4:44 LAST DAY ON EARTH

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At first glance, 4:44 Last Day On Earth may not seem all that sexy. The leads aren’t exactly head-turners and watching them screw for a couple of hours is about as appealing as watching your parents go at it.

What makes the story sexy, however, is the total emotional and sexual abandon the two lovers display towards each other when they realize the world is going to end the next day at 4:44 p.m. Rather than pray or seek shelter in some bunker, the couple—played by Willem Dafoe and Shanyn Leigh—decide to fuck to the end.

Sure, some may think that the end of the world might be better spent chasing new tail instead of hoping in the sack with the same old ball-and-chain, but those people look like the film’s leads and are delusional. Love the one you’re with and get some anal is definitely the way to go.

9. JACK AND DIANE

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Those who like their lesbian erotica hairy will enjoy this little ditty about Jack and Diane, two teen girl lovers doing the best they can. Juno Temple plays Diane, a conquest of New York City butch Jack, portrayed by Elvis Presley’s granddaughter model-turned-actress Riley Keough, looking here more like Elvis’ grandson.

The problem? Diane may be a werewolf. The film is a metaphor for the inner and social struggles faced by Juno Temple’s boobs and lesbian make-out sessions and cool werewolf effects. Kyle Minogue plays a gay cougar named Tara.

8. ATTACK OF THE 50-FOOT CHEERLEADER

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Imagine how awesome it would be to literally live out the NWA “Straight Out of Compton” lyric, “I find a good piece of pussy and go up in it.” Hooking up with a 50-foot cheerleader would make that possible. You’d be as happy as a kid jumping around inside a children’s party bounce house.

Attack of the 50-Foot Cheerleader stars Jena Sims as an awkward teen who uses an experimental drug in the hopes of becoming popular and beautiful, but ends up turning into a 50-foot giant freak instead. Sims not only gives us a nude T and an A, she engages in a topless cat-fight with Olivia Alexander.

7. TOKYO SPECIES

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Tokyo Species is a Japanese re-imagining of the 1995 MGM sci-fi actioner Species, starring Natasha Henstridge as a horny, but deadly, alien. Director Nozomu Kasagi makes the story his own by adding Japanese school girls and a porn star that poops marbles out of her ass.

Japanese adult video star Maria Ozawa plays Michiko, a high school girl who is shamed into suicide, but re-animated by an alien parasite that turns her into an insatiable sex fiend with a homicidal streak. The only one who can stop her is Mayumi, a good-natured alien hybrid schoolgirl.

6. RITES OF PASSAGE

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Rites of Passage tells the story of a psychotic loner (Wes Bentley) looking to secretly perform an ancient Chumash Indian ritual on his secluded beach side property. An unexpected visit from his brother and a group of sexed-up college kids soon complicate matters and shit quickly hits the fan.

The film marks the directorial debut from Point Break and Varsity Blues writer W. Peter Iliff and stars stunners Kate Maberly, Ashley Hinshaw, Sharon Hinnendael, Mercedes Leggett and Briana Evigan (pictured above), who turns in one of the sexiest, scantly-clad cat-and-mouse sequences ever committed to film.

5. STRIPPERS VS. WEREWOLVES

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Strippers VS. Werewolves is a British gem of a film that pits a pack of vengeful lycans against the lapdancers responsible for the death of one of their kin. The film is toplined by Barbara Nedeljakov, best known for her performance as topless tourist trap Natalya in director Eli Roth’s Hostel.

Co-starring alongside Nedeljakov are “Hollyoaks” stunner Ali Bastian, British porn star Syren Sexton—in all her full-frontal nude glory—and U.K. model Lucy Pinder and her 32-E’s, making their eagerly awaited feature film debut.

4. PIRANHA 3-DD

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John Gulager’s sequel to Alexandre Aja’s awesome Piranha reboot is a  big fat turd floating in a pool of tired, eye-roll gags, lame jokes and missed opportunities. Its saving grace lies in a rewind-worthy, full-frontal nude scene from Russian Playboy model Irina Voronina.

Bikini-clad performances from Katrina Bowden (”30 Rock”), Danielle Panabaker (The Crazies), Meagan Tandy (Unstoppable) and the unforgettable Tabitha Taylor (pictured) should also keep this stinker from being thrown back. Hopefully, it’s enough to have kept Gulager from sinking the franchise.

3. THE BUNNY GAME

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If you ever saw a girl on the street and fantasized what it would be like to spend a weekend making sweet non-consensual love to her in the most degrading and painful manner possible, then The Bunny Game is your When Harry Met Sally.

This charming little rom-com tells the story of a lonely trucker (Jeff Renfro) who abducts a prostitute named Bunny (Rodleen Getsic) and keeps her tied up for three days in the back of his big rig, living out all his fetish porn fantasies. Personally, I couldn’t watch the whole thing… bald chicks and hairy bushes freak me out.

2. KILLER JOE

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Though clearly not a horror movie, Killer Joe comes from the twisted mind of William Friedkin, director of The Exorcist, Bug and gay serial killer drama Cruising. What the NC-17 dark comedy lacks in demons and serial killers it makes up with ruthless violence and outrageous sex.

Sure, by now, you’ve seen Juno Temple naked more than you’ve seen yourself, but her full-frontal flash is still appreciated. As is Lori Eden’s boob shots as a stripper. But, the hottest—and most disturbing—scene here involves Gina Gershon going down on a chicken leg.

Gershon’s beat down during the scene is off-putting and the blood on her face gross, but her impressive oral skills shine through. Like the KFC menu, it’s definitely bad for you, but damn don’t it hit the spot.

1. MANIAC

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Producer Alexandre Aja (Piranha 3-D) and director Franck Khalfoun’s (P2) POV remake of of William Lustig’s controversial 1980 slasher Maniac takes the top spot on this list for allowing viewers to go on dates as lady-killer Frank Zito. Forget the breath mints and flowers, all you need is a knife to get some head.

Maniac follows Zito—played by Elijah Wood and you—as he scalps the pretty women he meets online to deal with the torment still caused by his dead hooker mother, portrayed toplessly by Playboy model America Olivo (Bitch Slap).

Also providing POV thrills are Genevieve Alexandra (Piranha 3-D), Megan Duffy (Your Name Here) and milfy Jan Broberg (”Everwood”). Maniac played the festival circuit in 2012, but hits theaters this year.

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