Happy New Year, degenerates!
If you’ve been surfing the websites for anything other than interracial porn over the holidays, you’ve probably seen a shitload of best-and-worst lists. Some of the more creative fright sites may have given you a countdown of the year’s best kills or a rundown of Christmas themed slashers. Well, at Clatto, we like to focus on the romantic side of horror.
Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley starred as ethically-compromised geneticists who successfully splice human and animal DNA to create a hybrid female named Dren in director Vincenzo Natali and producer Guillermo del Toro’s sci-fi creature-feature Splice.
Played by beautiful 32-year-old French actress Delphine Chanéac, Dren grows to become a bird-like creature with retractable wings, a long pointed tail, and small, supple Euro breasts.
The need to mate soon overcomes her and she sets out to seduce her “father” Dr. Clive Kast (Brody) in the film’s most disturbing—and oddly stroke-worthy—sex scene.
Dren is featured on Clatto’s list of The 11 Sexiest Maneater Babes in Horror and Sci-fi.
After.Life found pint-sized hottie Christina Ricci playing the victim of an automobile accident who awakens to find that she is being prepped for burial by a mysterious mortician determined to make her see that she has crossed over to the beyond.
Ricci, who has gone nude in Black Snake Moan and Monster, once again drops trou (well … really a slinky, little red slip) in the film, reminding us that good things do indeed come in small packages.
8. THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALICE CREEED
British actress Gemma Arterton told GQ magazine back in March that the reason she had taken the role of Alice Creed in this low-budget abduction thriller was because she was drawn to its violence and nudity. Not surprisingly, so were we.
Along with the hypnotic swing of Arterton’s nude and natural boobs, what made this movie hot was the fact that Arterton—who had starred last year in Disney’s Prince of Persia and Warner Bros. Clash of the Titans—had already achieved the kind of Hollywood success that usually prevents attractive starlets from going nude, but here she is:
7. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE
Because sometimes a naked girl just isn’t enough, director Tom Six’s outrageous mad-doc thriller The Human Centipede crawls into our list of stroke-worthy genre fare. The film stars pretty newcomers Ashlynn Yennie and Ashley C. Williams as unfortunate American tourists abducted by an evil German scientist hell-bent on sewing them together mouth-to-anus.
If that premise doesn’t make you horny, you’re probably a healthy individual who should not be reading this blog.
For the rest of us sick freaks, The Human Centipede was the first film in horror history to earn the often ill and overused tag of torture porn. Added kink: the human centipede’s head is a Japanese male (of course) who eventually must evacuate his bowels into Williams’ mouth.
While the scatological shenanigans may not be everyone’s cup-of-tea, the torment and tears on Williams and Yennie’s faces will prove genuinely moving for penises raised on Max Hardcore smut.
Danish director/degenerate Lars von Trier’s gruesome arthouse shocker Antichrist is loaded with plenty of genuinely disturbing moments, mostly involving genital mutilations, bloody ejaculations, and Willem Dafoe’s face.
Those who can stomach it are rewarded with full-frontal nudity from 39-year-old French actress Charlotte Gainsbourg. A skillful eye and quick remote finger will also help viewers at home catch a glimpse of Gainsbourg’s balloon knot (the A-Holy Grail of nude flashes)!
5. I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE
Scenes of gang-rape and forced sodomy should never be enjoyed while watching a movie … with your girl, wife, and/or mom. If alone, however, director Steven R. Monroe’s remake of the 1978 revenge-thriller I Spit On Your Grave provides oodles of shameful masturbatory pleasure (during the first half anyway).
Newcomer Sarah Butler plays Jennifer Hill, a young novelist on a mission to maim, dismember, and murder the men who brutally and repeatedly raped her while on holiday in the woods. Like the Meir Zarchi original, the film may-or-may-not play like a feminist fantasy, but your penis will forgive you thanks to the sexualized violence and the generous helpings of Butler nudity.
Machete, Robert Rodriguez’s ode to ’70s exploitation cinema, featured Jessica Alba in an eye-popping—but regrettably tasteful—nude shower scene, hints of nipple and bottom boob from Lindsay Lohan, and a slim downed, never-before-seen sex-pot version of Michelle Rodriguez.
If that wasn’t worth the price of admission, the actioner also includes milfy babe Alicia Rachel bathing topless in a lake with Lohan and Danny Trejo and the insanely hot 24-year-old Mayra Leal in a seven-minute T&A heavy opener:
3. PIRANHA 3-D
Dimension Films’ fish-&-chicks frightener Piranha 3-D reeled us in with its frivolous nudity and girl-on-girl underwater action from porn star Riley Steele and British model/actress Kelly Brook. Additional stroke-value was provided by “Gossip Girl” Jessica Szohr, Elisabeth Shue and Paul Sheer.
The film opened in August to rave reviews from both critics and horror fans, but inexplicably sank at the box office. Fortunately, for those of us who watch movies with our hand down our pants, Dimension is moving forward with a sequel that promises bigger thrills: Piranha 3-DD.
2. THE KILLER INSIDE ME
Director Michael Winterbottom’s film adaptation of the Jim Thompson’s 1952 novel The Killer Inside Me caused plenty of outcry upon its release last year, leading to some walkouts during the film’s festival run.
The controversial scenes included rough sex and raw, prolonged violence against its female leads, namely Kate Hudson and Jessica Alba, the latter of which gets whipped with a belt by Casey Affleck, who plays serial killer Lou Ford.
Check it out:
Thompson repeatedly defended his film by describing it as a statement against violence and yada, yada. But, he could have saved his breath. One look at Alba’s bright red tush and the only thing getting spanked is a monkey.
1. BLACK SWAN
Acclaimed director Darren Aronofsky’s new psychological thriller Black Swan