Oscar-winning actor Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men) is officially set to star as gunslinger Roland Deschain in producer/director Ron Howard’s big and small screen adaptations of Stephen King’s beloved “Dark Tower” book series.

As Deschain, Bardem will face off against a rabid dog while trapped in a car. No, wait. He will submit to cabin fever while manning a deserted hotel in Maine. No? OK … he plays a fat man cursed by the gypsy whose daughter he killed with his car while getting a blown by his wife.

All right, ya got me. I haven’t read the “Dark Tower” novels. But, from what Amazon tells me, the seven-book series is a sci-fi/western that follows Deschain, the last member of a knightly order of gunfighters, on a mission to save civilization.

The Dark Tower story will be told over the course of three theatrically released films and two limited-run TV series, slated to air in between movies. Universal Pictures will back the film trilogy, while NBC/Universal Television Entertainment handles the TV show.

Now that he’s said hasta la vista to politics, former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to claim his place as Hollywood action hero. The now 63-year-old actor has officially attached himself to star in a new Terminator film, to be directed by flavor-of-the-moment Justin Lin (Fast Five).

Deadline broke the news and reports that a rights package rumored to be priced at $25 million is being shopped around to studios. According to the site, Universal, CBS Films, Sony and Lionsgate are all very interested in the project.

Somewhere, Edward Furlong just called his agent and heroin dealer … not necessarily in that order.

The Terminator franchise has earned over $1.3 billion in worldwide coin.

TV star Mireille Enos is set to make her feature film debut opposite Brad Pitt in Paramount Pictures’ adaptation of author Max Brooks’ zombie novel “World War Z.” According to the Hollywood Reporter, Enos has been cast as  Pitt’s wife.

World War Z is set ten years after a zombie apocalypse and details individual survival stories from around the world. The Plan B produced thriller, directed by Marc Forster (Quantum of Solace), begins shooting in June.

Enos currently stars as Detective Sarah Linden on AMC’s new critically acclaimed crime series “The Killing.” The 35-year-old Houston-born starlet also played twin sisters Kathy and Jodeen Marquart on HBO’s “Big Love” from 2007-to-2010.

Director Steven R. Monroe is following up his superb 2010 remake of Meir Zarchi’s I Spit On Your Grave with yet another white-knuckle, femme-fatale revenge thriller. Set to shoot in June, Hole in the Desert stars genre babe Cerina Vincent as a vengeful spirit who enlists the help of a downtrodden man to bring death to her murderers.

Vincent says:

I am just thrilled to be a part of this. It’s truly an honor to work with director Steven R. Monroe again. His script is incredible – it’s got wit, edge, and depth… His vision for this will make for an edgy, sexy, suspenseful ride with moments of tenderness and some intense violence.

Horror fans may recognize Vincent from her roles in Eli Roth’s viral-frightener Cabin Fever, Nick Palumbo’s nasty little indie-slasher Murder-Set-Pieces, and Victor Garcia’s fun supernatural thriller Return to the House on Haunted Hill. The 32-year-old stunner’s most memorable turn, however, remains that of all-nude foreign exchange student Areola in the Columbia Pictures spoof Not Another Teen Movie.

Vincent also played Yellow Power Ranger Maya on Fox TV’s 1999 kid’s show “Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy.”

Production on Dimension Films Piranha 3-DD, the unexpected sequel to Alexandre Aja’s well-reviewed-but-dead-in-the-water Piranha 3-D, got started today in Wilmington, NC. Directed by 2005’s “Project Greenlight” winner John Gulager (Feast 1-3), the film is headlined by 23-year-old horror fav Danielle Panabaker (The Crazies).

The film’s plot crunch reads:

There’s something in the water… again. And this time no one is safe from the flesh eating fish as they sink their razor sharp teeth into the visitors of the best summer attraction, The Big Wet Water Park.

Costarring with Panabaker are former Miss California Meagan Tandy (Unstoppable), Matt Bush (Halloween 2), Chris Zylka (Shark Night 3-D), David Koechner (Final Destination 5), Jean-Luc Bilodeau (“Kyle XY”), Hector Jimenez (Nacho Libre), and a bevy of nameless, top-heavy starlets.

Piranha 3-D opened in August of 2010 to rave reviews from both critics and horror fans. Despite starring such stroke-worthy babes as Kelly Brook, Riley Steele, and Jessica Szohr, the film tanked at the North American box office. Fortunately, it grossed over $63 million worldwide, making it profitable enough to merit a sequel.

Panabaker’s creds include Platinum Dunes’ Friday the 13th reboot, John Carpenter’s The Ward, and the Kevin Costner serial killer drama Mr. Brooks. The pretty 23-year-old is part of Clatto’s list of The 20 Hottest Women Working in Horror/Sci-fi Today.

Unstable Ground has released a new trailer for indie writer/director Justin McConnell’s post-apocalyptic thriller The Collapsed. The film centers on the Weaver family as they attempt survive the day-to-day dangers that living in a lawless and socially decayed civilization can bring.

The Collapsed stars John Fantasia, Steve Vieira, Lise Moule, and Anna Ross as the Weavers. Costars include a bunch of additional peeps I don’t know and Kassandra Santos, who stars on The CW’s “Nikita.” Raven Banner Entertainment will release the frightener in Canada on May 27.

No word on a U.S. date, but peep the trailer:

BAC Films has released a trailer for directors Pascal Sid and Julien Lacombe’s creepy new psych-thriller Behind the Walls. Set in 1922, the film stars French model-turned-actress Laetitia Casta as a novelist who moves to a small village in search of inspiration but finds only nightmares and haunting visions.

This is why writers should pass on the exotic—but isolated—locations and stick to the local Starbucks. The worse thing that can happen there is the barista forgets to put whip cream on your Frappuccino.

Peep the trailer:

“90210” star Jessica Stroup is set to play an office hussy in “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane’s feature film debut Ted. She joins a cast that includes Mark Wahlberg (The Lovely Bones), Mila Kunis (Black Swan), Joel McHale (“Community”), Giovanni Ribisi (Avatar), and Patrick Warburton (Men in Black 2).

Ted tells the tale of a man (Wahlberg) whose childhood Christmas wish for his teddy bear (MacFarlane) to come to life and be his best friend not only happens, but proves to be disastrous 25-years later when the bear has grown into a full-blown degenerate.

Stroup is best known for her portrayal of high school blogger and bitch Erin Silver on The CW’s “90210.” Horror fans, however, will recognize the 24-year-old hottie from the 2007 Wes Craven-produced sequel The Hills Have Eyes 2 and Sony Screen Gems’ 2008 teen-frightener Prom Night.

Universal will unleash Ted in theaters on July 13, 2012.

Magnet Films has released a new trailer for Norwegian director Andre Ovredal’s (Future Murder) much buzzed about shaky-cam monster mockumentary Troll Hunter, arriving on VOD May 6 and in selected theaters for a limited run on June 10.

The film’s synopsis reads:

Troll Hunter is the story of a group of Norwegian film students that set out to capture real-life trolls on camera after learning their existence has been covered up for years by a government conspiracy.

A thrilling and wildly entertaining film, Troll Hunter delivers truly fantastic images of giant trolls wreaking havoc on the countryside, with darkly funny adherence to the original Norwegian folklore.

You can catch Troll Hunter at these locations:

6/10/2011
New York City, Landmark Theater

6/17/2011
Berkeley, CA: Shattuck Cinemas 10
San Francisco, CA: Lumiere Theatre 3

6/24/2011
Santa Cruz, CA: Nickelodeon Theatres
West Los Angeles, CA: Nuart Theatre

7/1/2011
Washington, DC: E Street Cinema
Atlanta, GA: Midtown Art Cinemas 8
Minneapolis, MN: Lagoon Cinema
University City, MO: Tivoli Theatre
Omaha, NE: Dundee (Art)

7/2/2011
Columbus, OH: Gateway 8

7/8/2011
Asheville, NC: Carolina Asheville 14

8/12/2011
Salem, MA: Cinema Salem 3

Word on the playground today is that British babe Kate Beckinsale has been offered a role in Sony Pictures remake of director Paul Verhoeven’s beloved 1990 sci-fi classic Total Recall. According to Deadline, the studio is looking to cast Beckinsale in the role of Lori Quaid.

Lori, if you recall, is wife to Doug Quaid, a man who is either a humble factory worker with a memory implant or a wanted super-spy. The part was memorably played in the original film by a then up-and-coming Sharon Stone.

The Total Recall redo is directed by Beckinsale’s lucky-dog husband—and Underworld 1-&-2 director—Len Wiseman and finds girly-man Colin Farrell stepping into Arnold Schwarzenegger’s shoes as protagonist Doug Quaid. “Breaking Bad’s” Bryan Cranston plays the film’s politico villain Vilos Cohaagen.

Eva Mendes (Ghost Rider) and Rosario Dawson (Death Proof) are said to be in the running to play Quaid’s prostitute lover Melina. No word on who is up for the part of the three-breasted mutant hooker.