2010
05.05

Feliz Cinco de Mayo from ‘Machete’

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Director Robert Rodriguez has cut an “illegal” trailer for his upcoming Mexploitation revenge-thriller Machete. The clip includes a Cinco de Mayo dedication to the state of Arizona from the film’s star Danny Trejo. But, rather, than provide me with the exclusive, Rodriguez chose to give it to the fat white guy over at Ain’t It Cool. Fucking race traitor.

Anyway, mira esto, putos:

Machete’s star-studded cast includes Robert De NiroJessica Alba (as masturbating identical twins), bad-bitch Michelle Rodriguez, home-wrecker Rose McGowen, Cheech Marin (as an ass-kicking priest), former martial arts movie star Steven Seagal, Don “Crockett” Johnson, jeff Fahey of “LOST” and a reportedly topless Lindsay Lohan.

The film swings into theaters on Sept. 3.

If illegal immigrant horror is your thing, make sure to check out Undocumented, starring Alona Tal.

2010
05.05

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Despite being the face of multiple fashion campaigns and starring on British TV and stage, model/actress Kelly Brook isn’t ready to rest on the laurels of her 32-E’s. That’s why the gorgeous 30-year-old, 5-foot-8 stunner is skinny-dipping with porn star Riley Steele in director Alexandre Aja’s eagerly-anticipated Piranha 3-D.

(UPDATE: TO SEE PHOTOS OF KELLY BROOK & RILEY STEELE, GO HERE. TO SEE RILEY STEELE NUDE, GO HERE)

She tells U.K. site The Mirror:

I don’t think I’ll be getting any Oscars for it. It’s about a lot of fish that eat a lot of buff boys and big-boobied girls. It’s all set during spring break.

It’s not a B movie – it’s the biggest-budget horror movie ever made and it’s in 3-D. There’s Oscar-winning actors in it like Richard Dreyfuss – and a lot of porn stars. I fit in somewhere between. I have a lot of scenes with the porn star Riley Steele – including nude underwater scenes.

Steven R McQueen from The Vampire Diaries plays the lead and he clocked that I was getting more daily pocket money than him. So I said, “I think my body will work a bit better in 3D than yours, mate.”

While Brook is happy to use her God-given gifts of T&A to pay her rent, she sometimes gets bummed over the typecasting.

She explains:

I was sitting in a restaurant and the director [Alexandre Aja] came up and said, ‘I think you’ll be right for this movie I’m doing,’ and then when I read the script, I thought, ‘Oh yeah, thanks, it’s not really a compliment.’

Personally, I’m tired of being typecast as someone who has to do a thankless 9-to-5 job to pay my bills.

Who needs Oscar when you have Golden Globes?

Who needs Oscar when you have Golden Globes?

Piranha 3-D costars Elisabeth Shue (Hollow Man), Ving Rhames (Day of the Dead), Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future), Jerry O’Connell (”Sliders”), Richard Dreyfus (Jaws), Adam Scott (The Return), Dina Meyer (Saw IV), Jessica Szohr (House at the End of the Drive), and Hostel director Eli Roth.

The film is remake of Joe Dante’s 1978 original. It arrives in theaters on Aug. 27.

2010
05.05

Muertos at the Movies: ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’

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If you think Platinum Dunes new Nightmare on Elm Street remake is simply a trip down memory lane, you’re in for a rude awakening. Director Samuel Bayer has turned Wes Craven’s classic 1984 slasher into a stylish frightener that turns up the creep factor behind child molester/killer Freddy Krueger.

The premise remains true to the original: A group of kids discover they are being stalked in their dreams by the pedophile their parents burned alive in an act of street justice. If he kills them in their sleep, they die in real life.

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Many of the original’s most memorable scares (i.e. Krueger reaching out from the wall behind Nancy’s bed, the bladed glove between her legs in the tub) are impressively updated during the first half of the movie.

Especially fun is Katie Cassidy’s bedroom death sequence in which the 23-year-old stunner is bounced off the walls before being ripped to shreds in front of her boyfriend (Thomas Dekker). The scene, which originally starred Amanda Wyss (The Graves), remains one of Freddy’s most brutal kills.

Soon after Cassidy’s character dies, Bayer’s remake settles into its own groove and proceeds to effectively build sphincter-pinching tension as Krueger sets his sight on Nancy (Rooney Mara), his one-time favorite child victim.

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The cat-and-mouse games that follow are intense and culminate with Nancy, suddenly strapped to a bed in the little girl dress (oh, yeah) and Mary Jane shoes she wore as a child, attempting to break the crippling memories of her molestation long enough to get free from Krueger’s mental hold and razor claw.

Unlike Robert Englund’s beloved portrayal of the Krueger character, which grew more goofy with each sequel, Jackie Earle Haley’s (Watchmen, Shutter Island) take on the child predator is rooted in pure malice. You never forget for a moment that Krueger enjoyed diddling little children and that he takes perverse pleasure in making them suffer as teens before butchering them.

It’s clear that Bayer and Haley—and writers Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer—are committed to keeping Krueger a creepy and menacing monster. If these were Bond films, I’d say Englund is now the Roger Moore of Elm Street.

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Of course, mainstream critics will shit over Bayer’s film, waxing nostalgic on the original (which was also poorly reviewed during its theatrical release) and asking why a remake was necessary. Trust me. The original—like your mama’s face—needed the make-over.

And, if you’re part of the targeted demographic (kids that weren’t alive during the ’80s), this new Nightmare will knock you out. In fact, that’s my only regret. I wish I could have seen this with new eyes.

A Nightmare on Elm Street is playing now.

2010
05.05

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Spanish director Pedro Almodovar must know something about actor Antonio Banderas that we don’t. Twenty years after casting the Desperado star as a mentally unstable, porn star-abducting nut in Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down, Almodavar has now reunited with Banderas to tell the story of an unstable plastic surgeon who sets out to avenge the rape of his daughter utilizing the tools of his trade.

Peep it:

La Piel Que Habito (Gringo translation: The Skin I Live In) is based on author Thierry Jonquet’s “Tarantula” and will begin production over the summer in Spain.

Almodavar described the project to Spanish newspaper El Pais:

The film will be a terror film, without screams or scares.  It’s difficult to define and although it comes close to the terror genre — something that appeals to me that I’ve never done — I won’t respect any of its rules. It’s the harshest film I’ve ever written and Banderas’ character is brutal.

It has always been my hope that when the Hollywood machine finally spat Banderas out he would star as me in my indie biographical film The Unbearable Lightness of Blogging: The Eddie Muertos Story.

However, this Almodovar movie may be better. I’m a huge Banderas fan. The guy always turns in crazy-intense performances when put in the right film (i.e. Desperado, Mambo Kings, Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down, Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, Mask of Zorro, And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself, and, hell, even Assassins).

Heading off to Spain to work with Almodovar is the best career decision Banderas has made in awhile … even better than creating his own cologne. Yes, that’s right, ladies. My balls smell just like Zorro’s.

To see Banderas with a nude Autumn Reeser, click here.

2010
05.05

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The foam was strong with Playboy Playmate of the Year (2007) Sarah Jean Underwood. The absolutely gorgeous “Attack of the Show” co-host commanded over a sexy group of Slave Leias during a charity car wash held in Los Angeles a week ago.

The fundraiser benefited the Make-A-Wish Foundation and our penises.

Despite the fact that the event was being held for a children’s charity, the Leias were not shy about putting them on the glass. But, it was Underwood in a camel-toe revealing white Leia outfit (circa Episode IV) that had guys choking the wookie.

Underwood not only lathered up with the Slave Leias to scrub down landspeeders and podracers, she took time to booty-pop with dancing Jawas.

Feel the power of the backside.

Feel the power of the backside.

Underwood made her “Playboy” debut as part of “The Girls of the Pac 10” pictorial in the October 2005 issue of the magazine (she was featured on the cover as well). The 26-year-old stunner was name July’s Playmate of the Month in ’06 and Playmate of the Year in ’07.

Revenge of the Slit.

Revenge of the Slit.

“Attack of the Show” can be seen on the G4 network.

To see Star Wars inspired strippers, go here and here.

Enjoy the gallery, you will: