2010
05.07

Alicja Bachleda Shows Off Her Tail in Neil Jordan’s ‘Ondine’

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Did you know that the drunken bastards over in Ireland have their own take on mermaid lore? Selkies are mythical creators that are human female from the waist up and seal from the waist down (would be quite disturbing the other way around). Selkies, unlike mermaids, can shed shed their tails at will and grow legs to walk among humans.

Director Neil Jordan (Interview with the Vampire) explores the myth in his new film Ondine, starring Polish actress Alicja Bachleda as a gorgeous selkie and Colin Farrell as the fisherman who catches her in his net.

Folklore states that a person who steals a selkie’s skin takes dominion over her, forcing her into servitude. That means she’ll do anything you want. ANYTHING. Sure, you can marry her, or you can force her to do all the things women hate to do. That’s right … your laundry, your meals, even your rain gutters!

Catch Ondine in theaters on June 4.

2010
05.06

Alana Curry is a Porno Slut in ‘BreadCrumbs’

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Hot blonde Alana Curry (Dahmer vs. Gacy2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams) is just one of many genre babes starring in indie-director Mike Nichols’ (Dead Calling) long-delayed Hansel & Gretal inspired thriller BreadCrumbs.

The movie follows a group of porn stars systematically murdered while filming sex scenes in a mysterious cabin located deep in the woods. As the killings continue, the remaining survivors begin to suspect the creepy brother and sister duo living alone in the forest.

Costarring with Curry in BreadCrumbs are Kristina Klebe (Rob Zombie’s Halloween), Amy Crowdis, Daddy’s Girl Zoe Sloan, Halloween vet Marianne Hagan, and the milfy Darbi Worley. With this many genre queens, someone’s titties are coming out. Believe it.

2010
05.05

Feliz Cinco de Mayo from ‘Machete’

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Director Robert Rodriguez has cut an “illegal” trailer for his upcoming Mexploitation revenge-thriller Machete. The clip includes a Cinco de Mayo dedication to the state of Arizona from the film’s star Danny Trejo. But, rather, than provide me with the exclusive, Rodriguez chose to give it to the fat white guy over at Ain’t It Cool. Fucking race traitor.

Anyway, mira esto, putos:

Machete’s star-studded cast includes Robert De NiroJessica Alba (as masturbating identical twins), bad-bitch Michelle Rodriguez, home-wrecker Rose McGowen, Cheech Marin (as an ass-kicking priest), former martial arts movie star Steven Seagal, Don “Crockett” Johnson, jeff Fahey of “LOST” and a reportedly topless Lindsay Lohan.

The film swings into theaters on Sept. 3.

If illegal immigrant horror is your thing, make sure to check out Undocumented, starring Alona Tal.

2010
05.05

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Despite being the face of multiple fashion campaigns and starring on British TV and stage, model/actress Kelly Brook isn’t ready to rest on the laurels of her 32-E’s. That’s why the gorgeous 30-year-old, 5-foot-8 stunner is skinny-dipping with porn star Riley Steele in director Alexandre Aja’s eagerly-anticipated Piranha 3-D.

(UPDATE: TO SEE PHOTOS OF KELLY BROOK & RILEY STEELE, GO HERE. TO SEE RILEY STEELE NUDE, GO HERE)

She tells U.K. site The Mirror:

I don’t think I’ll be getting any Oscars for it. It’s about a lot of fish that eat a lot of buff boys and big-boobied girls. It’s all set during spring break.

It’s not a B movie – it’s the biggest-budget horror movie ever made and it’s in 3-D. There’s Oscar-winning actors in it like Richard Dreyfuss – and a lot of porn stars. I fit in somewhere between. I have a lot of scenes with the porn star Riley Steele – including nude underwater scenes.

Steven R McQueen from The Vampire Diaries plays the lead and he clocked that I was getting more daily pocket money than him. So I said, “I think my body will work a bit better in 3D than yours, mate.”

While Brook is happy to use her God-given gifts of T&A to pay her rent, she sometimes gets bummed over the typecasting.

She explains:

I was sitting in a restaurant and the director [Alexandre Aja] came up and said, ‘I think you’ll be right for this movie I’m doing,’ and then when I read the script, I thought, ‘Oh yeah, thanks, it’s not really a compliment.’

Personally, I’m tired of being typecast as someone who has to do a thankless 9-to-5 job to pay my bills.

Who needs Oscar when you have Golden Globes?

Who needs Oscar when you have Golden Globes?

Piranha 3-D costars Elisabeth Shue (Hollow Man), Ving Rhames (Day of the Dead), Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future), Jerry O’Connell (”Sliders”), Richard Dreyfus (Jaws), Adam Scott (The Return), Dina Meyer (Saw IV), Jessica Szohr (House at the End of the Drive), and Hostel director Eli Roth.

The film is remake of Joe Dante’s 1978 original. It arrives in theaters on Aug. 27.

2010
05.05

Muertos at the Movies: ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’

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If you think Platinum Dunes new Nightmare on Elm Street remake is simply a trip down memory lane, you’re in for a rude awakening. Director Samuel Bayer has turned Wes Craven’s classic 1984 slasher into a stylish frightener that turns up the creep factor behind child molester/killer Freddy Krueger.

The premise remains true to the original: A group of kids discover they are being stalked in their dreams by the pedophile their parents burned alive in an act of street justice. If he kills them in their sleep, they die in real life.

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Many of the original’s most memorable scares (i.e. Krueger reaching out from the wall behind Nancy’s bed, the bladed glove between her legs in the tub) are impressively updated during the first half of the movie.

Especially fun is Katie Cassidy’s bedroom death sequence in which the 23-year-old stunner is bounced off the walls before being ripped to shreds in front of her boyfriend (Thomas Dekker). The scene, which originally starred Amanda Wyss (The Graves), remains one of Freddy’s most brutal kills.

Soon after Cassidy’s character dies, Bayer’s remake settles into its own groove and proceeds to effectively build sphincter-pinching tension as Krueger sets his sight on Nancy (Rooney Mara), his one-time favorite child victim.

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The cat-and-mouse games that follow are intense and culminate with Nancy, suddenly strapped to a bed in the little girl dress (oh, yeah) and Mary Jane shoes she wore as a child, attempting to break the crippling memories of her molestation long enough to get free from Krueger’s mental hold and razor claw.

Unlike Robert Englund’s beloved portrayal of the Krueger character, which grew more goofy with each sequel, Jackie Earle Haley’s (Watchmen, Shutter Island) take on the child predator is rooted in pure malice. You never forget for a moment that Krueger enjoyed diddling little children and that he takes perverse pleasure in making them suffer as teens before butchering them.

It’s clear that Bayer and Haley—and writers Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer—are committed to keeping Krueger a creepy and menacing monster. If these were Bond films, I’d say Englund is now the Roger Moore of Elm Street.

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Of course, mainstream critics will shit over Bayer’s film, waxing nostalgic on the original (which was also poorly reviewed during its theatrical release) and asking why a remake was necessary. Trust me. The original—like your mama’s face—needed the make-over.

And, if you’re part of the targeted demographic (kids that weren’t alive during the ’80s), this new Nightmare will knock you out. In fact, that’s my only regret. I wish I could have seen this with new eyes.

A Nightmare on Elm Street is playing now.

2010
05.05

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Spanish director Pedro Almodovar must know something about actor Antonio Banderas that we don’t. Twenty years after casting the Desperado star as a mentally unstable, porn star-abducting nut in Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down, Almodavar has now reunited with Banderas to tell the story of an unstable plastic surgeon who sets out to avenge the rape of his daughter utilizing the tools of his trade.

Peep it:

La Piel Que Habito (Gringo translation: The Skin I Live In) is based on author Thierry Jonquet’s “Tarantula” and will begin production over the summer in Spain.

Almodavar described the project to Spanish newspaper El Pais:

The film will be a terror film, without screams or scares.  It’s difficult to define and although it comes close to the terror genre — something that appeals to me that I’ve never done — I won’t respect any of its rules. It’s the harshest film I’ve ever written and Banderas’ character is brutal.

It has always been my hope that when the Hollywood machine finally spat Banderas out he would star as me in my indie biographical film The Unbearable Lightness of Blogging: The Eddie Muertos Story.

However, this Almodovar movie may be better. I’m a huge Banderas fan. The guy always turns in crazy-intense performances when put in the right film (i.e. Desperado, Mambo Kings, Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down, Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, Mask of Zorro, And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself, and, hell, even Assassins).

Heading off to Spain to work with Almodovar is the best career decision Banderas has made in awhile … even better than creating his own cologne. Yes, that’s right, ladies. My balls smell just like Zorro’s.

To see Banderas with a nude Autumn Reeser, click here.

2010
05.05

sarah

The foam was strong with Playboy Playmate of the Year (2007) Sarah Jean Underwood. The absolutely gorgeous “Attack of the Show” co-host commanded over a sexy group of Slave Leias during a charity car wash held in Los Angeles a week ago.

The fundraiser benefited the Make-A-Wish Foundation and our penises.

Despite the fact that the event was being held for a children’s charity, the Leias were not shy about putting them on the glass. But, it was Underwood in a camel-toe revealing white Leia outfit (circa Episode IV) that had guys choking the wookie.

Underwood not only lathered up with the Slave Leias to scrub down landspeeders and podracers, she took time to booty-pop with dancing Jawas.

Feel the power of the backside.

Feel the power of the backside.

Underwood made her “Playboy” debut as part of “The Girls of the Pac 10” pictorial in the October 2005 issue of the magazine (she was featured on the cover as well). The 26-year-old stunner was name July’s Playmate of the Month in ’06 and Playmate of the Year in ’07.

Revenge of the Slit.

Revenge of the Slit.

“Attack of the Show” can be seen on the G4 network.

To see Star Wars inspired strippers, go here and here.

Enjoy the gallery, you will:

2010
05.04

abrams

If you’re catching Iron Man 2 at the movies this weekend, make sure you’re not the one that’s sent out to score Goobers and nachos.

Word on the web is that a teaser-trailer for J.J. Abram’s top-secret Cloverfield prequel Super 8 will premiere ahead of Iron Man 2.

Turns out the Super 8 trailer premiering during Iron Man 2 showings is actually a teaser for next year’s Spielberg/Abrams sci-fi actioner. According to the folks at Vulture, the teaser centers on a group of kids who discover an alien creature in a frame of the super 8mm movie they are making.

If you don’t feel like dealing with the Iron Man fanboys this weekend to see the trailer, you can check it out here:

2010
05.04

Naomi Watts Will Get Wet in ‘The Impossible’

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Summit Entertainment is doing The Impossible with Aussie starlet Naomi Watts and former Jedi-master Ewan McGregor.

Directed by Juan Antonio Bayona (The Orphanage), The Impossible is said to be set during the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake that caused a tsunami to hit the coast of Thailand, leaving thousands dead and/or missing in its wake.

According to Spanish news site diaroinformacion.com, Bayona will incorporate elements of horror, mystery and sci-fi into the story. Let’s hope he also adds a thin white t-shirt to Watt’s wardrobe during the movie’s rainy parts.

Watts was named one of Clatto’s Ten Hottest Horror/Sci-fi Babes of the Past Decade.

2010
05.04

spit

Anchor Bay Entertainment has released the first poster for director Steven R. Monroe’s I Spit On your Grave remake. Judging by the look in actress Sarah Butler’s eyes and the shears in her hands, I’m guessing this film is rated NAFYB: Not Appropriate for Your Balls.

(See Sarah’s sexy and revealing new poster now)

(See Sarah’s ass make a cameo in NSFW trailer)

The official synopsis reads:

A remake of the controversial 1979 cult classic, I Spit on Your Grave retells the horrific tale of writer Jennifer Hills, who takes a retreat from the city to a charming cabin in the woods to start on her next book. But Jennifer’s presence in the small town attracts the attention of a few morally deprived locals who set out one night to teach this city girl a lesson.

They break into her cabin to scare her. However, what starts out as terrifying acts of humiliation and intimidation quickly and uncontrollably escalates into a night of physical abuse and torturous assault. But before they can kill her, Jennifer sacrifices her broken and beaten body to a raging river that washes her away.

As time passes, the men slowly stop searching for her body and try to go back to life as usual. But that isn’t about to happen. Against all odds, Jennifer Hills survived her ordeal. Now, with hell-bent vengeance, Jennifer’s sole purpose is to turn the tables on these animals and to inflict upon them every horrifying and torturous moment they carried out on her… only much, much worse.

If Monroe’s film is true to Meir Zarchi’s original, I predict this film will be almost as emasculating to watch as Sex in the City 2.